Yet in my lineaments they trace
Some features of my father's face.
-from Parisina, by Byron



I am fascinated with the idea that in just a few short months I will be looking into the eyes of my daughter. If the history of mankind is any indicator, she will share some of my features. But what will they be?

Will her profile look like mine as one glances over her shoulder, like it is with me and my Dad?

Will her smile match mine and my mother's? Or will it be as beautiful as Ang's?

I can't wait to meet you Maya...

sewing...

I've spent most of today cutting fabric for Maya's crib bedding. My obsessive compulsive mindset has been making me jittery for a month...to get started sewing for my baby. As soon as we knew that we had a girl, I wanted to go and buy everything to get started. Ryan finally (only a few days later) graciously agreed to spend another large chunk of cash...after a month of extra expenses. So yesterday I spent the day choosing fabric prints, designing the quilt, making measurements, and adding up the cost.

Today I cut all the pieces to make the quilt, sheet, bumper pads, and dust ruffle for the crib. At the end of all the tedious measuring and cutting, I actually had a little time left to gratify my urge and start piecing the quilt together. It's so pretty. I can't wait to see it in her crib. And to see her in it! All the little preparations to make our home ready for Maya are so exciting....though the 'to-do' list is overwhelming.

Even though I can see the 'big picture,' it's hard to have the motivation to do the little mundane tasks of organizing CD's and papers. The soon-to-be nursery is now a library/office full of books and files. Somehow, we have to find space in our house for a desk and three large shelves. Once we get it all moved, we can start creating a bedroom for Maya! I can't wait to paint (well....to have Ryan paint) and start putting baby things in their places.

little red dresses are fun.

Meet.......

Maya Grace

She weighs 12 ounces, has a beautiful pumping heart, and as you can see....a well developed brain.
Maya really likes to keep her arms and hands up in front of her face, so the ultrasound technician had to 'look through' the arm to get the lovely profile shot above...she also looked through the skull :)

This is how she covered her face most of the time...both arms, crossed over her face.



Every once in a while, she let us get a glimpse of her beautiful face...



She looked pretty comfortable.



We are in awe...Isn't she pretty??

20 Weeks!

Half way there!
Only two more days until the ultrasound...

pictures coming soon!

to my baby...

I can't believe how quickly you have developed into such a complex and beautiful person. The months have disappeared so quickly. Already, you can hear pieces of the world around you...and your mind is beginning to develop intricate connections and specific abilities. I never could have imagined what it would be like to love you...and to feel you moving inside of me.
I've always wondered how I could ever love a child more than I love your cousins. (By the way, they can't wait to meet you. They will teach you so many important things.) I have been 'aunt angie' for more than eight years. The way that I love and long to protect my neices and nephews is painful already. I desperately want to guard them from hurt and insecurities and disappointing discoveries about the world. The day that each of them came home from the hospital and the first time that I held them are so clearly etched in my memory. Each time, I thought that my capacity to love MUST be full. It could not be possible to love another baby, another child any more than I already did.
And yet you completely consume my thoughts. Whenever people mention you to me, I light up. So many people love you already....and I love talking about you. Every day, I am more excited to meet you...and more fearful of the mistakes I will make as your mother.
I think about how we will paint your room, and fill your crib with linens, and what clothes you will wear. What you and I will do each day. And I know that my silly preoccupations with these thoughts are naive...that the adjustments that you and I will have to make to our new life might involve more than paint and blankets and sunlit walks to the park in your beautiful stroller. But I love dreaming.
I am so grateful that God has trusted me with you, with your life. I can't wait to find out who He has made you to be. Will you be interested in music or art, will you be good at math (unlike your mother)? Are you sensitive and perceptive? Will your personality be like mine, or like your fathers, or something completely different? I cringe to think about what weaknesses you may inherit from me...genetically or by example.
Only a few more days until I can call you by name. I love you so much. Please keep growing. You are the most incredible gift your father and I have ever been given.

What in the world?
A couple of days ago I registered for this stroller, and was so excited about it.


















And now, the picture of the very same stroller, looks like this on the Target registry...and costs twenty dollars less.


















Is it just me, or are these two strollers quite different?

My kids...

...are so excited about this baby. Parents tell me stories all the time about how much their children talk about my baby at home.

Yesterday, a mom told me that her daughter came home from school and said, "Mom! Have you seen Mrs. Corbin lately??"
Her mother assumed that I must be starting to 'show'. "Yeah. She's getting a little bigger. And next week she gets to have her surround sound to find out if it's a girl or a boy!"

Later in the evening, as I was getting ready for our big concert, I was back stage tuning violins. About thirty kids were in the 'tuning line' with many of their parents and a few high school assistants in the room. The second grader in front of me noticed my slightly protruding belly in my fitted black dress and said "Mrs. Corbin! Your baby is getting big!"
"Yes it is, isn't it? Just wait until after Christmas break, my belly will probably be even bigger."

"Will it be as big as Mrs. _______'s???!!!! (a fifty-ish woman we both know that is definately NOT pregnant)"

Her sister scolded her. "No, ________, it can't be THAT big!!"

And from your Dad...

In between the excitement and joy, I have to admit that I’m sometimes scared about you coming into this world.

There is a longing I have inside to share with you all of the things that I know to keep you safe, secure, loved, happy... as much knowledge as 26 years experience and lots of student loans can bring. These aren’t the things I’m worried about. Aside from how I will possibly afford you, I mostly am concerned about the things in life I can’t explain or don’t understand.

Loss
Pain
Broken relationships
Hate
Rage

I promise that your mother and I will show you the best picture of redemption that we can... we've learned from some of the best.

To my baby...

You are still such a mystery to me. There is not a moment of any day that you are not in my thoughts. I wonder how much you can hear my voice when I speak and when I sing. Are you listening to the music that surrounds us every day? I hope you can hear me telling you how much I love you. I can feel you wiggling around inside of me at night. You must be growing...my stomach and lungs are beginning to feel a little crowded sometimes.

In just two weeks your father and I will give you a name. He loves you so much. He is constantly making sure that you are safe. No matter where I go or what I do, your dad makes sure that I am taking good care of you. I hardly ever have to do anything difficult. He won't let me.

Keep growing. We can't wait to see you. We have never looked forward to anything as much as we long to meet you face to face.

December 22

In just three weeks, we will get to see our baby's face!
We asked to have the ultrasound done at the hospital so that we could see a 3-D picture instead of the fuzzy black and white version. It may still be pretty hard to see much, but we're hoping to at least find out if we have a son or a daughter. This is a pretty amazing image...it's hard to believe how much detail can be seen even inside the womb.

It almost seems wrong to reveal so much from within such a secret and mysterious place.
Our ultrasound might not be this clear, but seeing my baby...inside my body, even on an old fashioned machine is an unbelievable experience. In September, as we watched the heart pump inside our six week old baby we were in awe. The whole body was only about three millimeters long, yet our baby's heart was already beating. And it was living inside of me!! I can't wait to see him or her again.

Soon we'll have pictures to post and a name to announce!

Squirming...

...Last week, I thought I could feel the baby moving. Turning inside of me...kind of like a fish.
It is so hard to know. I've actually never had another human life living inside of me before, so I'm not exactly sure what it feels like. It could have just been my digestive system, my growling stomach, or gas. But I don't think so. Because I feel it today and it is unlike anything else...

This video is not of *our* baby. We haven't had our second ultrasound yet, but it is pretty amazing to watch another 15 week baby moving around and kicking.

showing?

The day that I told my students that I was pregnant, many of my littler kids couldn't understand why they couldn't tell that I was pregnant. They were sure that all pregnant women were 'big'. So I explained that the baby was still very small, and that my shape would only change as the baby got bigger.

Strangely, the very next day several of those same little girls told me that I had a fat belly and that *now* they could see the baby.

That was about a month ago. Now, whenever I enter my classroom or stand in front of students...young or old, I feel like they are all staring at my stomach trying to determine if it has grown at all. It's a very weird feeling. Marianne tells me that people will stare much more freely when I actually look pregnant.

Today, for the first time two adults told me that they thought they could tell just a little bit.

One of the thinnest people I have ever known also told me today that she gained fifty-five pounds with her first pregnancy!!!

Seriously, she is so tiny that the doctors thought she might have dad's sprue disease.

Fifty-five pounds?!

the fourth month

Finger prints are forming. Facial features are becoming more distinct.
Right now the baby is only about three inches long, but by the end of this month, our baby will nearly triple in size and weigh close to a pound!

Recent familiar feelings...

I sit on the edge of the bathtub
Waiting
Worrying
Wondering
If I am still me
Or if I've already become
Something Other--
A *mother*.

Suddenly I am not at all certain
What I am hoping for.
Yes?
No?

The test is finally done
I force myself to look
And my head begins to swim
And my heart begins to pound
And my soul says
yes.

(from "The Test" by Carolyn Arends)

Though my emotions have always been close to the surface, my tears are usually reserved for real circumstances and relationships. People that I know and love experiencing pain, conflict, or great happiness.
Sappy poems and movies don't usually affect me like they do lately.

Last night, I dreamed several novels worth of stories...

Ryan patiently listened to me recall them this morning as we laid in bed, enjoying the time change. I'll just share a 'short' clip from the dream that was least nonsensical...

Mandy and I were walking down Sherman, towards the beach. We had just left our dorm room in Printy (on Sherman in Muskegon), and I was trying to give her a piggy-back ride. She kept leaning forward and causing me to fall. We'd laugh and try again. Then she overcompensated by leaning back, and we'd fall backwards onto the cement sidewalk. Suddenly I felt guilty...for falling repeatedly. "Mandy! You really need to just balance on your own. It's not good for my baby to keep falling like this." Then the thought struck me that maybe Mandy was just a little too heavy for me to be carrying around right now. (Regardless of how tiny Mandy actually is...she is an adult. And I'm pregnant. I don't even pick up Liam.)
Since it was Sunday, I had to drive back to Cedarville. I always dreaded this, but it was worse this time. She had switched schools and we would not be roommates anymore, so we hugged and cried as we said goodbye.

Then, I went back to church. I was wandering around the foyer in the old Calvary building, squeezing through the crowds, occasionally responding to the many "Congratulations!" I was hearing about the baby.

Suddenly, it was actually a school day...and I was a teacher there, but everyone was treating me like a student. I kept getting tardies and I couldn't find my locker or my next class. As I ran up and down the stairs in the back of the building (the ones that led to Lynn's English room and all the way up to the roof), I kept trying to explain to my friends that I was NOT a student anymore, but no one believed me.

Fortunately, I could always just go to the safety and solace of my dad's office. But when I arrived, I realized that my women's Sunday School class was going on right then...in my Dad's office. The seats around the table were all full and Gail Rockey was just passing out the music for our special four-part harmony song (we were performing the following Sunday in the service). Everyone was singing, trying to learn their parts.
Someone asked me if I had heard Ed Breitenbach's sermon. They were mad about something he said. But, I had missed it...Mandy and I had skipped the service to walk to the beach.

I got up to go to the bathroom (there was a bathroom in his office). As I looked around in the restroom, I noticed the shower curtain was exactly the same as the one in my bathroom at home! And I thought about how funny it was that there was a hotel style bathroom in my dad's office, complete with a bathtub.

I was just about to leave the bathroom when I looked in the mirror and was horrified to find that I was naked. Though I did have a towel. As I wrapped the towel around me, I realized that I had a good reason for being naked. I had just given birth to my baby! Everyone would understand. They probably wouldn't even notice that I had lost my clothes. I was so happy to be holding my beautiful baby boy. I wrapped him in another towel and walked out the door.
My mom was busy at the desk trying to solve a computer problem with another lady and hardly even noticed me holding her newest grandchild. As you can guess, I was pretty offended. "Mom!! I just had my baby! Look!"

He had thick dark reddish-brown hair, and blue eyes. And rosy cheeks. Really. He was amazing.

*he looks like her, she looks like me...

...my baby, soon to see*

Okay, so just hearing the heartbeat has made me a bit more anxious for next May. If you know me, you understand that I hate waiting for things. If there is some way that I can hurry things up, I try.

"What, did you say you wanted your birthday present now? Perfect, I have it right here - now open it!"

"Huh, you say Christmas isn't for a few more weeks? No matter - let's just open our presents and celebrate now!"

I know that I need to learn to be more patient with things. After all, certain things are worth waiting a long time. Ang and I dated four years before we were married and she has been the most amazing thing that could ever happen to me - that is why I am cherishing every minute that Ang and I get to exist together before our lives change in a BIG way. That is seven total years that we were together when conception occurred.

Seven never seemed more perfect to me.

160

Today, we heard our baby's heart beating. It was amazing.
You can hear it too (though it is a cell phone recording...transfered to our computer-not great quality)
Just follow this link and click "download" on the file named "Baby's Heartbeat"

Dear Jaelyn and Addison

We wish we could tell you in person about our special secret, but here's

the best we can do..

we just told Emma & Liam...

...that they had a new baby cousin, inside of me.

Liam became my favorite person when he immediately asked, "then how come you're not fat?"

I kissed his forehead.

We talked for a few more minutes about how small the baby is now...and how it will grow inside of me until it's time to be born.

Liam thought for a minute before he asked his next question.

"How does the baby come out?"

hm....we'll let his parents answer that one.

"Does it come out your mouth?"

No, Liam. It will not come out of my mouth.

thinking ahead...(about six months)

I just finished watching a video about the stages of delivery at this website (the video is at the bottom of the page).
I thought I would learn a lot from it. So many people I've talked to have said that knowing more about what to expect can make the whole birth process easier.
It *was* very informative....but as I watched the baby's head come out of his mother, I realized that I was crying, then sobbing. It was amazing. I think I've seen a delivery before...at least a video. But it has never affected me so deeply.

I wanted to show Ryan the video, but he's snoring on the other couch in our living room.
I'll have to wait until tomorrow.

only one more week...

...until we introduce our baby to the rest of the world. Though without a name or gender, it will be a limited introduction.

I've been so distracted lately. It's hard to concentrate on things I need to get done for school. It was hard to focus in church yesterday. When I'm at home, I look for websites about pregnancy and babies. ....That's not *all* I do. But there is a strange compelling force within me that draws me to any and all information or pictures I can find about this amazing thing happening inside of me.

Tomorrow our baby will be eleven weeks old! Almost three months.

sharing our secret...

This week has been fun...calling family members and close friends to tell them our news. There are still a couple of people we want to get a hold of this week.

By the way, it *is* still a secret! So keep waiting. It's so fun to tell people. Thank you privilleged family and friends for keeping so silent, so that we get to do most of the telling.

The week after next, on Tuesday, I plan to tell my students. I can't wait. It has been so hard to keep quiet about something so profound and exciting. It just seems like people should know that there is another human inside of me. Another heart beating. I have four kidneys, an extra set of hands, feet, fingers, toes...growing inside of my body. It's so strange.

Even before I became pregnant, I used to think about the 'weirdness' of it all. I tried to imagine what it would be like, to know that a person, an adult someday, is being formed inside of you. And it *is* strange...more than just physically. The heavy responsibilty, the unimaginable joy, the vulnerability, the potential for hurt, the thought of the future, even the far distant future, ...all of life is changed.

We've been listening to people tell us for three years about how 'selfish' everyone is before they have children. How they all finally realized that life is not about just themselves when they became parents.

I know this is true.

I also don't like being called selfish. Despite the truth and the good intent, it always seems rather insulting.
Finally, we've acheived the 'non-selfish' parent status (though my instinct tells me that most of the life-changing lessons occur *after* the baby is born...giving up sleep, alone time, free time, money, control,...).
So, everyone may now stop refering to us as 'selfish DINKs' (Double Income - No Kids).

"Divine Creative Power"

..that's what "Maya" means.

Maya Grace Corbin

or maybe it will be...

Ian Patrick Corbin

(Ian- "God's gracious gift")

we snuck into the "Motherhood" store tonight...

...I don't really need maternity clothes yet...and I probably won't for at least another month, but we had fun looking around and imagining the future. I did buy a pair of comfortable warm up pants that I can wear now...and hopefully for quite a while.

Just before we walked into the store though, I heard "MRS. CORBIN!" and turned around to see one of my highschool students working in another store in the mall. So...we stopped to chat, then kept walking. We snuck into the store and headed straight for the back where we wouldn't be so obvious. Then we noticed that a whole family of Calvary members was walking by...and maybe saw Ryan duck behind a rack. So that might be awkward to explain. We were....um..shopping for my friend who's pregnant?

It was a fun adventure...we'll see if the rumor mill has been set in motion or not. Either way, we'll make the formal announcement in a couple of weeks. Almost to the three month mark. It will still be precarious-tiny, frail lives just are, but at least the first trimester will be complete.

Ryan brought home some beautiful children's story books today. I can't wait to read to our baby.
The few times we've gotten to babysit nephews & neices overnight, I've loved watching Ryan reading bedtime stories, tucking Emma and Liam in for the night. He is already an amazing father.

We cherish our alone time together. It's going to be an adjustment that we could never be fully prepared for. But I can't wait to do this together. To be parents.

a frightening experience in the middle of nowhere...

Yesterday, Ryan and I-with our friends, Rob & Kim, were enjoying our last morning at the cabin. Ryan ran to the store to get some anti-freeze for the pipes while Kim and I made breakfast.
While I looked at the eggs in the pan in front of me, I realized that I hadn't taken a deep breath in a while...and I felt a little dizzy. I tried to breathe more deeply, but my strange feeling didn't go away. When I went to sit out on the porch...to get out of the smokey cabin, I felt a little better, so I returned to my eggs...(which had almost burned). And again, I almost fell over. I made it to the back door and just slid down to the ground just inside the door. Ryan came home, confused about why I was behind the door...and helped me out onto the porch again.
He kept asking me to explain myself...I couldn't. I just told him that I couldn't see and I couldn't hear. My ears felt like they were plugged and my vision started narrowing and seeming far away. I assumed he understood that I felt dizzy and faint, so I also told him I could throw up. He kept asking me to walk over to the woods to throw up. I tried to tell him that I couldn't walk and I was falling backwards. Then, I was finally safe. Asleep in my own bed at home. I was warm...dreaming about something pleasant. I must have slept for hours...maybe a day. It was really nice. Until Ryan started yelling at me and trying to make me get up...off of the ground?....at the cabin?.... over by the car? How did I get here? Why were my clothes all dirty? and wet?
I was so confused and scared. I didn't know how I had gotten to the car? Had I fallen? I suddenly remembered that I was pregnant...and how I had been feeling. Ryan's fear and my own...just made me cry.
Apparently my eyes had been open the whole time he carried me to the car...he thought I was awake...until I went limp and wouldn't respond to him. Then he thought I was dead.

The whole thing only lasted about a minute, but since I've never passed out before (except for one time-in Jr. High when I intelligently held my breath in the girls' locker room after P.E.) we decided to drive to the hospital...the only one within an hour's drive...in the Sault. I'm so glad that Rob and Kim were with us. Rob stayed at the cabin...with the fire..and the cooking eggs, sausage, and toast. And Kim came with us. She ran and got me clean clothes and helped me to be calm. She told me some of her similar pregnancy experiences. I think it made Ryan feel better too...knowing that it could be a 'normal' thing.

At the hospital, they put stickers all over me and plugged them into machines that monitored my heart. The cold familiar feeling of an I.V. in my arm reminded me of being little and made me wish my mom wasn't *so* far away.

Everything seemed to be fine. My blood tests, my blood pressure, my heart rate. The doctor thinks that maybe I hyper-ventillated? or that it was just one of those weird things about being pregnant. He was concerned though and wanted me to talk to my doctor when I got back home.
I'm going to call Dr. Karnes office today. I hope I can go in to hear the baby's heart beat or something. I know that *I'm* okay, I just want to know that our baby is okay too.

week ten

The baby is in his....her? tenth week.

He can move around now and is about an inch and a quarter long. All of the main organs are there...even the joints have formed.

Her eyelids are fused shut, but beneath them, the irises are forming and her eye color has already been determined!! Does she have my big dark eyes, or the beautiful sky blue Corbin eyes? or something else?

my sweet husband made dinner...

Last night, I came home after teaching for almost twelve hours. I was exhausted and beyond hungry.

Lately, I get hungry fast. And if I don't eat right away, I feel sick...and nothing sounds good. At that point, it's difficult to settle my stomach.

As I opened the front door, I could smell food cooking. Though the spicy smell didn't exactly thrill me, it was food. And it was ready to eat.

Sausage, onions, red & green peppers with thick, whole-wheat pasta shells.
I ate some. It was difficult.
I regreted it...all night.

Later, on "That 70's Show" someone was eating pancakes. mmmmm.
I still want pancakes.

Thank you, Baby for making dinner. I'm sorry I'm so picky lately.

I have two human hearts inside of my body!

Only a couple of hours ago, we watched, amazed, as our baby's heart rhythmically pumped in front of us on the screen.
Sorry Daniel, we only see one baby :)

Apparently the bottom of that blurry white spot is the head. ??
I would have thought it was the other way around, but I'll trust the professional.

We heard the heart beat too. Loud and fast and strong. It is beyond comprehension to know that there is a person with a beating heart inside of me. The pregnancy feels more real now. Safer. Before the appointment today, I had this silent fear that nothing would show up on the screen. That the technician would think I was crazy..."you're not pregnant. Why are you here?"

The baby is younger than the doctor thought. Only six and a half weeks. (Though she said there is a two-week margin of error)
That means that May 9th is the due date! (Happy Birthday, Mandy!)

Though the confirmation and the reality of actually seeing what has been so hard to really believe was reassuring, now knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a fragile, tiny being inside of me, (less than half of an inch) makes me even more nervous. Seeing the amazingly small, but complex heart made me feel so protective. How can I ever keep something so tiny and fragile safe??

Here's a better picture of a baby in the seventh week, though it's not *our* baby...it's a little easier to see.

I now have the power...

...to post on this blog.

I certainly do not feel as though I have the power to be a good Dad just yet. Suddenly, I feel the need to read about this new venture we are embarking on, start IRAs for college funds, make sure our budget is perfectly in line, make sure every corner in our house is padded, throw away all sharp objects... does this feeling ever end?

I've started with The Expectant Father by Armin A. Brott and plan to move on to The New Father after this. Does anyone have any other suggestions? It seems like everything is written for Moms. Dad - you can't recommend anything in the "Secrets of the Strong-willed Child" series. *I'm hoping to avoid those books.*

Nausea.

I had it today. Isn't morning sickness usually over at eight weeks??
I thought I was actually going to get by without experiencing this particular joy of pregnancy.
Sitting in my office today at school, I tried to eat the bag of unfinished cereal from my breakfast. It didn't happen. My stomach was aching with hunger, but my whole being was telling me that food was disgusting and would *not* make anything better.
Thankfully, my lunch (though unappealling) did not turn against me...and actually left me feeling much more settled.

My mom brought Isaac and Will to school today when she came to pick up Emma. They were very funny...smiling and laughing at the high-pitched voices of the sweet children who approached them. My strings students enjoyed it....however they were a bit distracted by the visit. But I couldn't hold it against them, so was I. It made me want to tell the kids about MY baby too! That will be really fun.

THIS monday, we get to see the ultrasound!!! I'm so excited.

distracting weight of disappointment

Today feels heavy. Even though family and friends showered me with love, singing phone calls, and far too generous presents, yesterday was a rough birthday. The disapointment of not getting the symphony position was just poorly timed. I'm feeling further away from my 'prime' as a classical violinist...my chances of ever playing real music again seem to be slipping away. And mediocrity seems to be threatening to take over my identity.

Logically, I know that they could only accept one, and that I just wasn't that one. But part of me wonders if they laughed to themselves when I left the stage...or were annoyed that I had wasted their time. What kind of gap was there between my playing and what they wanted? My memory of my audition seems to be changing too...getting worse and worse. Did I really just miss a few fingerings on some difficult runs or did I play completely out of tune...pausing arhythmically on the hard parts. Should I be embarrassed? Or did they just hire someone with more experience who was better?

I was kind of grasping at this somehow as a last chance to have my own identity as a real musician...before my life changes drastically. I've always been a believer in 'seasons' of life...that I don't have to do EVERYTHING now....maybe I'll get to play someday. But I'm terribly afraid that I just lost my last chance. The West Shore is not really a huge symphony. If *they* don't want me,....

Then I think about all that I have to be grateful for. For the things that I have been given that many other people desperately desire. I haven't had to face a lot of difficulty, thus far.

But then my worry-filled mind starts considering the frailty of the life inside of me. I really have no control over that either. Is God trying to teach me something through disapointment? How far will this lesson go?

Please, please don't take this incredible baby too. Am I clutching too tightly? Why do I think these things?

* * *

I get to tell Mandy tonight about the baby. I can't wait. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I need to get things into perspective now.

Hm. Maybe pregnancy is affecting my emotions just a little??? :)

when *i'm* a parent...

I've always had strong opinions about the *right* and *wrong* ways to raise a child. It's so easy for me to express just how poorly other parents make decisions.

For example....
I know of many just plain bratty little girls...many of whom are my students. It's not really their own fault. I watch their parents cower in fear, or make excuses for them, or simply look bewildered as they throw a fit because something isn't the way they'd like it to be.

Also, many parents come to me, after about the second or third month of their child's violin lessons. "Katie just doesn't seem to *enjoy* playing the violin like she used to. I'd really like for her to keep going, but I'm not going to force her. This has to be 'her' thing. I think we'll take a break for a while." First of all, Katie is usually only six to ten years old, hardly old enough to understand the value of perserverance. Secondly, she has wanted to play the violin for years. She just didn't realize there would be work involved. And now, she's whining because it's hard. Of course she's whining. Her parents just don't realize how normal this is. Instead of seeing a teachable moment, they are concerned and confused. A challenge? Can a child handle that?? So, the parents decide that Katie should make her own decision to quit something hard. She'll never experience the joy of accomplishing something, of finding the beauty in the mundane, difficult things in life.

Grr. Sometimes I tell them what I think. But sadly, this year I've had to just say "okay" because my schedule is too full to take Katie anyways.

(Of course there are many wonderful parents of students that I've gotten to know and learn from. And by the way, sometimes, if a child is legitimately too young or unready, I think it's fine to step back and take a break from lessons for a while. Also, I've never had a student named Katie.)

Another frustrating parental observation...I've also seen lots of parents just ignore their children. I know they talk A LOT sometimes, but it is beautiful! I love hearing the stories of children. When *I* am a parent, I will listen endlessly...looking into their eyes, so they understand that I think that their words are important.

(confidently) I won't make mistakes like *that* when I have a child.

Marianne and I were just talking about this the other day. Some parents....(eye roll)

But now, *I* am a mother!!! (hard swallow)

I haven't really faced the parenting decisions yet, but I'm already humbled by reality.
There is just so much that is out of my control.

What horrible life-altering decisions will I make for my child? What habits and judgements will I pass down to her?
How can I teach him to think for himself, to love learning, to pursue challenges? Will I sometimes selfishly tune out her beautiful chatter? How will she ever understand how deeply I love her already? And how much God cherishes her? Will he be an apathetic, bored teenager someday?
Will she make good friends who won't hurt her? Will he love music like I do?

Now the waiting seems okay. Maybe I have a lot to learn in nine-months. But I have a feeling that even at delivery, I still won't have all the answers. Will I at least have a few??

waiting.

Unsure of where to go for my ultrasound appointment on monday, i called Dr. Karnes office yesterday afternoon. After explaining my question, the receptionist told me that my appointment had actually not been scheduled. I have a reminder card from them, but it was never entered into the computer...and now monday, the 12th is booked solid.

Ryan insists that I should have been more forceful...demanding that they fit me in. But instead, I scheduled a new appointment for the following monday.

another week!!

it's only been one week!

i've only known for a week. thirty-three more weeks sounds like an eternity!
even just making it to the three-month mark will be so reassuring.

must go back to school tomorrow. it's so hard to pretend that there's nothing huge happening in my life.
this will be a busy week, so hopefully it will help the time to fly- lessons starting, full class load, West Shore Youth Symphony Board meeting, WSSO audition,...

I can't wait to see the ultrasound next monday!

just one more week.

I don't feel good.

the fact that I'm not nauseous (sp?) makes me nervous.

My stomach hurts...but in a different way. That makes me nervous too.

It amazes me how in a few days time, perpective changes.

I've watched people I love experience the pain of longing for children too many times. I think I've felt that more deeply for others than I have for myself. I always assumed that we would have to try for a long time before a baby would actually form. I just never thought that it would be so easy for me.

I don't want to be ungrateful.

A week ago, though, I thought that it would be really wonderful to be pregnant. I knew we'd be happy, but I also didn't feel desperate for that to be now. Waiting until next year would have been okay too.

But now...I can't think of anything worse than to lose this. In some ways it doesn't even seem real, but I know that it is, and I don't want to imagine the loss. It's hard to rest and trust God's love.

I wish the weeks would just pass quickly.

Maybe I will make myself nauseous just by worrying.

Does this get worse as children grow up?

Dr. Karnes

Strangely, I decided to switch doctors this summer (not thinking I would actually be having a baby)...from Dr. Barkett to Dr. Karnes (who does O.B. at the birth center where sister Andrea works) just so that when we *did* get pregnant, I'd already know my doctor and be at the right place.
All the way back in June, I scheduled my appointment for my yearly exam for yesterday. And that was the day after I took a positive pregnancy test. So I didn't have to wait long to see a doctor. It was so amazing to have confirmation from the doctor...and to be able to talk about it.
He thinks I'll be due at the end of April (the 25th). But I'm going to have a sonogram sep. 12 and they should be able to give a more precise due date then. I wish I could know how far along I am.

We want a little while to wait to tell anyone. But every person I talk to somehow makes me feel like blurting out.."I'm pregnant!!" Hopefully I won't have to lie too much.

It's so hard to concentrate on anything else.

Kara (drama teacher at my school) and I were just talking on monday about doing a musical this spring. that would be the first week of may.
hm. how do I tell her that i don't think i'll be able to do it?

I haven't felt sick yet. Maybe I won't get that.

There is a person being formed inside my body. How strange is that??




I went for a walk this morning. At least I have reason not to run anymore :)
I will have to work hard to make time for exercise this fall and winter. That's always hard for me this time of year.
Suddenly I care so much more about being healthy. I used to be forgetful in taking medicine, and nonchalant about going to the doctor. Now it's not just me anymore.

It's not just Ryan and me either.
I've loved our years of being alone. I'm nervous. I thought that we would have another year of that. I suppose that when you stop taking the pill and using protection (hoping that we might get pregnant) sometimes...you actually get pregnant. So, my Europe trip is not going to happen for a while. It doen't really bother me though. I know we'll go. I'm just so happy.
This is definately the strangest thing that's ever happened to me.

I need to go take a shower and get ready for work. I have to keep doing the routine of life...though it's hard to think straight.

breathe.

i can't.

I won't sleep tonight.

My mind cannot fully grasp the magnitude of how my life has changed. The roles that I fill are now more than daughter, sister, wife, friend. I'm also "mother."

Besides the dizzying stream of life-altering thoughts....I can't stop feeling like I *must* clean the house, organize every drawer, plan for the entire school year, have files of everything I ever need to know...labelled, learn the art of time-management, become responsible, wise.

But, alas. Ryan tells me I *must* go to bed.

First day of school tomorrow.

How will I stop smiling??

I've never kept a real secret.

Everyone will just know.

There's a real baby inside of me!!!