the only reason you check this blog...

a dangerous combination

two of my most cherished activities lately...

1.) holding Maya

2.) sleeping



This was my favorite part of a wonderful, though exhausting, first Mother's Day. I love to hold her as I fall asleep. But my tendency toward strange sleep behavior keeps me from indulging in this luxury...except in the presence of watching family members (like in this picture).


A few weeks ago, Ryan woke me in the middle of the night..."Ang! Is she okay?" He was worried about the noises Maya was making in her sleep. Having my treasured sleep disrupted, I was rather annoyed. So...as I held out my arms to show him how carefully I was cradling our daughter, I replied in my most condescending (and slightly exasperated) tone, "Ryan, I've GOT her right here!"

However, even as I spoke those words, I knew I was terribly wrong. The precious little bundle I was so carefully holding in my arms...(actually...tightly smothering in my arms)...seemed to be melting...the blankets were covering her face...I was frantic...I couldn't find her face... I couldn't feel her breathing...

It was the very worst possible moment of my life...and yet Ryan was so cruel, so cold and uncaring that he was laughing.
Laughing at my hysteria.

But I laughed too, as dream world (and my fear) began to fade into reality. I looked down, realizing that I was carefully holding my very favorite, affectionately named, "fluffy pillow" (not my sweet daughter).

This nightmare reoccurs almost every night.

the most beautiful profile you've ever seen...

Maya is quite expressive already...at only two weeks. How in the world did we end up with such a dramatic child?








and for the truly devoted....even more maya pictures are here

maya's first 'outing'

Maya arrived just in time (with only four days to spare) to see her Daddy graduate "Summa Cum Laude" (with highest honors) with his Master's degree last Saturday. She was very impressed...

Actually she slept through the whole ceremony...even when a thoughtless member of the audience blew an air horn only a few feet from her tiny, fragile ears. Her dad was pretty mad about it. You should have seen him jump up from his seat among the graduates, and storm up the bleachers to see if his baby was okay (and to share a few kind words with the man who blew the horn).

Since her first outing was so traumatic, we decided that... just to be safe, we'll just keep her at home from now on. No more outings, ever. She may complain when she's a teenager, but someday she'll understand and thank us.

my first thoughts as a mom...

Sometimes, in this past week, I've thought about writing. I've begun to form words in my mind to try to express what I feel. But no words ever seem sufficient.
I've never experienced so many new feelings at once.

There is so much to say, but mostly...
I am in awe of the depth of my new and overwhelming love.
To love someone so fiercely is painful. It is a heavy and exhausting burden.
But I have never felt so complete and full and truly happy.

Here is something much better than words...

maya grace

lots of pictures here

More coming soon...

Welcome to the World...

Today at 8:45AM EST we welcomed Maya Grace into our world. She weighed 7lbs, 4oz and was a perfect twenty inches long.

We will tell you all about it later. Right now I have to get back to the hospital to take care of my girls...

This week, we've begun to try *all* kinds of ways to get Maya to come out. Yesterday, I walked on a treadmill for forty-five minutes. (Which turns out to be much more exhausting and painful with a 6 to 8 pound person lodged in your pelvic bones). I plan to go back tonight.

It is strange to know that any day or hour, I WILL have a medical emergency of sorts. I know I will be going to the hospital sometime. I'm not just being dramatic or a hypochondriac. It is inevitable. And this experience will be one of the most physically painful experiences of humanity. It has to be pretty bad, it's mentioned as part of The Curse!

...and yet, I'm doing everything I possibly can to speed up the process. Though there is a small amount of dread and fear in my mind, mostly...I'm desperately longing for it to happen SOON. I've never looked forward to anything with so much hope and excitement.

This whole process of life...and how a new person is formed and becomes part of our world...has always seemed so normal to me. News of pregnant friends, or adopted children is exciting and wonderful...but never life altering. It happens everyday. Though each neice and nephew that has entered my family has given me a glimpse of how incredible and life-changing new lives truly are, birth has always seemed so natural and...normal.

But it's always been part of some one else's life. Not mine.

"One of the strange things about baby announcements is that they render the arrival of a human as if it were a normal event. Something regular and conventional that we are accustomed-to and prepared-for...
...I love the ways, though, that babies reproduce the social world into which they are born or adopted. They are (in many ways) an embodiement of who-loves-them. All it takes is the focused love of a vast network of people -- into one very small person -- to create a human filled with our potential."
~Maya's Uncle Andy (on the arrival of new baby Madeline)

the end is near...

...but physically, my body seems to be no more ready than it was two weeks ago...according to Dr. Karnes. No more dialating or effacement. But he did say she is very low and engaged. I was disapointed to hear that I'm not dialating any more, but he did say that we could have one more ultrasound. So next Tuesday, May 2nd, whether she comes out or stays in...we'll get to see Maya!
And after that, it can't be *too* much longer until we actually get to hold her. I'm beginning to rest in the fact that she WILL come out. It is inevitable. Though I can't know or control when, she'll be here...very soon.

This week is my last week of teaching. It seems funny that my school year is really almost over. But all the final pieces are just about in place. I finally have all of my programs printed for the final concert and musical, notes and diagrams for sound techs turned in, sets & costume designers deligated and on task, sub plans printed, progress reports turned in,...and my students are just about ready. My school office and "cart" (since I'm a traveling teacher without a real classroom) are organized and ready for a sub.
Our house is almost all organized and clean--even the closets! Room by room, Ryan has built these amazing closet organization shelving systems in all of our closets. We finished the last one this weekend. I'm finally caught up on ironing and laundry. We have groceries. I'm almost caught up on thank-you notes. My bag is packed. Maya's bag is packed.

Life feels manageable, controllable. Maya won't change that at all, right?

On Saturday at Maya's shower, my sister, Marianne 'spoke.' She has the amazing, disciplined mind of a BSN...(she understands and uses math and science in her job!), yet she is one of the most spontaneously creative and artistic people I know. She also happens to be a really gifted communicator/ teacher. She told a story about her family's adventure in a cave...and the necessity of a guide in such a beautiful, complex, dangerous, and dark place.
She made me think about my role as Maya's mother, her guide. That is all I am. She is a gift...not my own. Though I feel a great sense of ownership...that she belongs to me, I know she doesn't. She will need me to guide her and protect her. She will be dependent on me as no one has ever been before. From the moment her life began, I have been her source of nourishment and life. We will live to protect her and take care of her. But there are also places that we will never be able to guide her. She'll have to do things without us. Someday, I may have to watch her hurt, or fail, or cry. And I won't be able to protect her or fix it. What if someone's cruel words hurt her at school? What if she doesn't even tell me about it? How can I trust someone else (her teacher, a coach, another parent) to love her, to teach her, to protect her?
But I am not her only guide...or even her best one. Ultimately, I long for her to realize her need for her Creator, Redeemer. To know that she is loved by Him. That she can only truly belong to him. Not me. I am only a guardian of His precious daughter.

When I stop my racing mind from simply wishing that I'd get this baby OUT of my body, I start to realize how terribly frightening and thrilling that moment will be. In these last days of waiting, I feel like I am standing at the edge of something very mysterious, compelling, and dangerous. That this place...parenthood, will be the most beautiful and painful thing I have ever experienced.

just waiting....

It's hard to balance my awareness that she could actually come any day now...and the fact that she probably won't come until May 9th....or later.
I want to be ready....even if my labor started tonight. I want the house to be clean and organized, the car seat secure, her bag packed, my bag packed, my school responsibilities in order...whenever it's TIME. But while I'm trying to accomplish those things, I'm also trying not to think that way. The days will seem endless if I'm expecting to meet Maya at any moment.

Last Friday, Dr. Karnes said that I am "just about dialated to 1"....50 percent effaced, and that Maya is "pretty well engaged." My next appointment is tomorrow. So we'll find out if anything has changed.



What if it's not Maya? What if it's Ian??

I'd love to meet him too, but I'm afraid I'd feel like I had lost Maya...that I've known her and loved her, and never got to hold her. Though we've been loving and anticipating whomever is inside of me, we would have to work fast to transform the nursery and the baby's wardrobe into something less feminine.

When will the waiting end? What will she look like? Will it really be Maya? Soon all will be revealed.

envy...

May 5th.
That is when my cousin is due to have her baby. It has been fun to be pregnant at the same time...with due dates only four days apart. But she isn't counting down the days anymore.
Yesterday, she got to hold her baby girl, "Everly." She is perfectly healthy and weighs six pounds and two ounces...not bad for being a month early!

I am so jealous.

However, there are several practical reasons to keep me from wishing that Maya would be born today. I try to go over them frequently. It helps me to at least make an attempt toward patience...

1. Being born a whole month early is really slightly too early. It would be so much better for her lungs and digestive system to have at least another few weeks to develop more. Every day (at least until May 9th) that she stays inside the womb is good for her growth and development.

2. Next week is my violin recital. My students have worked hard to be ready. I really want them to be able to perform. Canceling it would be disappointing.

3. Every day that I can teach up until May 9th is good for my students...they are all preparing for big performances (the Elementary Musical and the MS HS Choir Concert on May 11th). Hopefully, the more time I can spend with them, the more confident and independent they will be when it is time to perform. (Also, if I use more 'sick days' than I have left for maternity leave, my paychecks will start drastically shrinking.)

4. Right now, Ryan and I can still leave home spontaneously, go out with friends easily, finish house projects quickly, see movies, stay up late and sleep in on the weekends. On Saturdays, we can lay in bed, snuggling and chatting lazily as our room is flooded with sunlight in the morning. We've heard that these luxuries will significantly change once Maya is born. Our days to enjoy these decadent pleasures are growing few.

5. I have one more shower...at Calvary on April 22nd. It would be nice to have at least up until that time before she comes to have a few more things ready for her.

....So, I'll keep counting the days and longing for her arrival more fiercely than I ever could have anticipated. I'll probably secretly hold on to my desire to have her early. In fact, all her clothes are washed and ready, her crib bedding is clean and waiting for her, I even have a bag of her clothes packed for the hospital. Maybe I'll go pack my bag too....
How do people deal with late pregnancies? Once May 9th hits, I don't think I'll be able to tolerate the waiting any more. My sanity is not that stable.

But at least I'm trying to be patient and think logically... I'll review my list again.

It doesn't really work.

Only four and a half more weeks!!

more dreams...

Last night, I struggled to find sleep. I was feeling terrible pains in my stomach...probably gas. But sometimes it would seem like contractions...and my back hurt too, which everyone says that contractions felt in your back are a sign that contractions are REAL and not just Braxton Hicks. But gas sometimes makes my back hurt too. Eventually, I was exhausted and unconcerned enough that I finally fell asleep...

As I entered dreamworld, I drifted through several brief scenes, mostly set in Calvary's old building...I can't remember if or how they were all connected...

...a frustrating rehearsal with my strings students on the day of our concert...

...a momentary flash of memory at the cabin...wandering through the woods with all of my brothers...playing some kind of game...

...a Sunday morning service at Calvary with Pastor Jonathan and all of his children...still singing Christmas songs...

...a very unorganized Cantata...with those black curtains hung all over the walls...my friends and I sneaking under the baptistry through 'the tunnel'...

...a cheerleading practice in the gym....we were trying to remember our cheerleading routine from camp...going through eight-counts...It was a little awkward with my belly,...but I kept up just fine. Then we had a toe-touch (jump) contest. Forgetting somehow that I was eight months pregnant, I attempted a toe-touch. The fact that I haven't done one in well over a year...and that I hadn't stretched at all contributed to my failure...but I think the extra (almost 20 pounds) of weight, carried mostly in my belly had something to do with my pathetic and frightening jump.... I felt terrible for not remembering that I was pregnant...and soon after practice, the result of my stupidity became evident. I could feel Maya's head pressing down. I suddenly realized that those WERE contractions last night....I never should have come here....I've been in labor all this time.
I looked down and could see the top of her head coming out. By the time I reached the doors to the parking lot in the lobby of the church(where Bill LeBaron was waiting with an umbrella to greet me), my mother had found me and was taking me to her....van??
The parking lot was dark, and my Grandma Marge was trying to help us find the vehicle. Maya's whole head was out now, and she was looking at me, smiling, with an exceptionally large head and toddler-like alertness. She had a very goofy grin on her face...and I thought it was strange that she would be responsive enough to smile already. However, I knew, by my keen instincts that we should definitely get to the hospital quickly...and maybe we would have to just go to Hackley instead of Mercy.
But Ryan was nowhere to be found. I stood in the parking lot, screaming and crying... saying, "I can't do this without him!!! You have to find him! He's in the building somewhere....I don't care if you have to interrupt the service...my dad might want to know too!"
By the time we were all in the minivan, Maya was completely out, I was holding her, realizing that we couldn't drive anywhere now...without a car seat!!! but she was still attached to me...with her cord. David jumped out of the car and grabbed a car seat out of an open convertible parked nearby... and we were on our way. We drove and drove (strangely, since Hackley Hospital is next door to the old Calvary building). The whole time, I was hysterically crying and praying...."Thank you God for Maya...but please keep her safe!!"
The rest is very hazy....eventually we arrived at the dimly lit, suspiciously ominous hospital. The green-hued florescent lighting and dirty vacant hallways gave us a strange intuition that something was not right. There was some kind of chase...I was running from someone through hospital corridors and stairwells... and the rest has faded completely.


So far, back in the 'real' world of wakefulness...I have had no symptoms of labor...But I won't try any toe-touches today either. I'm glad that I'll get to see the doctor today...all the fears and unknowns of late pregnancy seem to be disturbing at least my subconscious.

Only five and a half more weeks!!!

How much bigger am I going to get??

There may not be many more of these....
She'll be here in six weeks!

I almost didn't want to post these last pictures...
I'm always surprised when I see how large my belly actually is. It doesn't seem that big when I look down at it! :)
But I'm so glad that Maya is growing...a lot.


January 1st


January 22nd


Febrary 18th


March 26

Maya's First Parties...

Though she was the guest of honor at three showers last week, Maya is probably not very aware of how spoiled she already is.

Here are some pictures from the showers...


Cousin Alyssa feeling baby Maya's kicks.


The 'Rudd' sisters sans Lynn (we miss you!!)


Maya and me with Grandma Corbin in her freshly painted Key Lime Kitchen.

On to the next party at Aunt Aundrea and Uncle Daniel's House...


We took turns opening Maya's gifts for her. I guess I was *really* excited about this one.



Maya's Friend Anna and her Cousin Isaac entertained everyone once they arrived.

On Friday, after our half day of school, my co-workers gave Maya a shower. It was beautiful. Maya got some wonderful books and clothes and lots of other 'baby things.'

Some of the staff generously contributed to a group gift card to Target that will help pay for Maya's car seat and stroller!



Hmm....some things just don't belong in diapers....like candy bars! We played *that* game.... yuck! :)

Thank you so much to all of our friends and family that have given us so much!! We are overwhelmed with your love and generosity. And we can't wait for Maya to know you and feel your love too.

Maya has found my ribs.

She is getting longer now, and today she has decided to flip upside down...which is good, I guess. I want her to have her head down when it's time to come out. Up until today, she has spent most of her time lying sideways accross my belly, or diagonally reclining-with her feet up and sticking out my right side. But today she is definitely vertical and seems to enjoy pushing on my ribs. As much as I want her to stay facing the right way for delivery....I don't think I will enjoy seven weeks in this new position.

I've been organizing her clothes today. We might order her toybox tonight...so that we have somewhere to put all of her new toys. Currently, they are taking over our living room...which as I mentioned below, is already in quite a bit of turmoil.

Only fifty more days!!!

a weekend of showers...

Right now, the chaos in our house is making me rather insane. Ryan has been working every night this week and all weekend to try to finish our kitchen. He patched a large damaged peice in our ceiling, painted the kitchen, and is now in the process of laying ceramic tile. He is amazing, and I am so grateful for him.

But while we wait for the finished product, all of our dishes, appliances, drawers, and food is covering every surface of our dining room and spilling into the living room. The laundry is piling up...while the route to the laundry room is completely sealed off in plastic (to protect me and Maya from paint fumes and construction dust). The only place that I can sit in peace without feeling frantic about the mess is here...


We just came home from Maya's shower. Her Aunt Andrea and friend Kim (and Aunt Marianne, Aunt Kelly, and lots of other friends) gave her a very fun shower (boys were allowed too...though I don't think they really begged to come). It was so fun to have Ryan there too, opening presents with me. She got lots of fun presents...toys and clothes, Baby Monet DVD, blankets, a bathtime gift basket, sippy cups, baby spoons, and a beautiful soft swing! (it swings back and forth and front to back)


The whole weekend has been overwhelming and so fun. Yesterday was her first shower... a family shower. I've never been able to have huge family gatherings with lots of cousins, aunts, grandparents. I only have one aunt and uncle on each side. I love the cousins I have and always look forward to spending time with them, but they've always lived far away....and our gatherings are far too infrequent. Since I've been part of the Corbin family, it has been so fun to have extended family....LOTS of extended family at every holiday and special event. Maya is so loved. And quite spoiled. Her Great Grandmother crocheted a beautiful sundress for her...with buttons from her Great Great Great Grandmother's button box. She got so many beautiful clothes, books, really fun puppet toys, and all kinds of things to help us take care of her. Her Aunt Jo had this highchair shipped to our house.
I can't wait to see it...though she won't be quite big enough to use it for a while:)

We are so blessed...to have a baby. And to have so many friends and family members that have shown us overwhelming love and generosity. Every day, we are amazed to have Maya. That she is growing inside of me. That we are parents. And that we could be holding her in just a few weeks.

the eighth month!!

I've been lying on the couch just watching my stomach roll around, changing shape, contorting with the movements of the creature living inside of me. It seems a bit like an alien has been implanted into my stomach. Every once in a while, her abrupt movement jolts my whole belly...I wonder if something startles her or if she's just playing.

the eighth month???? i can't wait to meet her, hold her....but...

she has to come out. and that could be soon. i'm not sure i'm ready for that part.

Looking for other pregnancy journals online today led me to this blog, a completely different perspective...witty and real and sad.
I couldn't help but laugh at myself as I read her intro...

"I began my online journal when I learned I was pregnant after my first IVF. I had the idea that it would be useful and entertaining to record the details of my pregnancy as it progressed. Useful? Entertaining? Ha. More like precisely as self-absorbed as every other pregnant woman on the planet with access to a computer and the conviction that her pregnancy is somehow unusually special."

I ached for her as I continued to read about her miscarriage and infertility ....i don't think I could ever write with her cynicism and despairing humor....it's just not me (though different life experiences would probably change that), but I couldn't stop reading. She is just so refreshingly honest and real.

My life is too rich, too easy. I have no idea what suffering is. I'll need to be reminded of that during labor, I'm sure. But I know it.

And I'll try to put aside my fear of pain, inadequacy, complications, pain, exhaustion, tearing, pain....

and keep focusing on the amazing hope...the birth of new life....my child.

Only sixty more days.

Sixty Four more days...

My mind is going to make these last nine weeks seem very long.

Up until this point, everything seemed to go so quickly. The weeks really have flown by. It seems like it was only a few short weeks ago that Ryan and I stood in awe...looking at the positive pregnancy test, trying to fully understand all that had changed. Trying to grasp what we had done! And what was coming!

I can hardly believe that it is now March...and Maya could come in just a few more weeks.

Yesterday, I sat on Ryan's lap as we watched a video he made at the beach last summer. It seemed almost surreal, hearing our laughter, the waves, and the seagulls. I remember how perfect the moment was. How happy and content we felt just being together...just us.
Suddenly I felt afraid...that our few weekends of being 'just us' are almost gone. How will we change? Will we lose something?
And I longed to just savour the time we have left. To enjoy what is left of our almost-four-year honeymoon.

But something has come over me today, and I am suddenly without patience or reason. My calm sense of contenment is gone. I just want Maya to come OUT! Nothing is being accomplished by my folding and refolding of her clothes...or the time I spend just staring in her room.

I keep contemplating whether or not it's too early to pack a bag for the hospital.

It is.

Maybe I just need to go back to work tomorrow...so I can think about something else. School does make the time pass quickly.

Is this normal? I don't feel normal...I feel obsessed, jittery. Does this furious longing to hold her and just see her NOW stem from just a bit of...imbalance?? I'm quite certain I'm crazy.

registering

We just finished 'shopping' at Target. We picked out a record number of items we liked, but left the store with an empty cart....maybe for the first time ever.

I had registered for some of the bigger essentials (car seat, stroller, etc.) online, but with her first shower coming up soon, we thought we should put some things that are actually in the store on her registry. If other people shop like I do for showers...they will not be browsing an online registry weeks ahead of time. I usually frantically run around Target trying to find something on the list that is actually in stock...usually the day of the shower.

There are still a few things that can only be bought online...at Target and JCPenney (mostly the big things like furniture, car seat, stroller). Choosing a car seat and stroller was just way too agonizing. I searched the NHTSA website and Consumer's Reports for safety ratings...and have changed my mind at least five times now. But I think we found the perfect safety/convenience/design/price compromise with the evenflo Aura Travel System (stroller/infant seat combo).

Hm.... things I never thought I would spend hours doing. And probably not very interesting to read about. But finding 'things' for Maya is one of the most tangible ways I keep finding to anticipate her arrival.

The 'things' don't really matter. For now though, they are fun to look at. I really just want to hold her.

Only nine weeks and two days!!!

is it a foot?

Maya is moving around all the time. Sometimes rolling, what feels like her whole body, around in flips. Often in the morning, she gets the hiccups.

Usually though, I can't tell what part of her I feel. It seems like she's kicking around or punching...but it's hard to determine whether I feel feet, hands, elbows, knees...

When I feel something round and hard....is that her head? her bottom? or just the curve of her back?

If only Maya's kicks were this clear...

I guess the shirt isn't really shrinking like I thought...

January 1, 2006

February 18, 2006

entering the end...

The second trimester has come to a close, and now Maya and I are in the final stretch of this incredible life process. Twenty-eight weeks have passed, and she is now only twelve weeks (maybe more....maybe less) away from entering the world on her own. She freely opens and closes her eyes now...she even has eyelashes. I can't wait to see her eyes. To make eye contact with my own daughter. To show her how much she is loved.

I tend to think of her almost as a young child that could identify and express feelings and thoughts if only she weren't stuck inside of me.

She has been moving a lot today. I never want to forget that amazing feeling. Sometimes she is so gentle that I'm not certain that it is really her.

But each time I feel her insistent and unmistakeable movements, I am relieved to know that she is still growing and moving...living.

Our parents create an environment in which we can grow. We call it the home. The home is the most powerful place on earth. It is the cradle of the soul. Our minds and personalities, our loves and our hates, our fears and our dreams are all molded in the home. The home is the workshop of God, where the process of character-making is silently, lovingly, imperceptibly carried on. We search throughout our lives for love and identity, and if we are fortunate, we may find it.

The quest for identity will always lead us back to our families. They are the ones with whom we discover our potential, as well as our limitations. They are the ones through whom and with whom we learn how to live. It is sheer hubris to think that we are "self-made" women and men. We learn how to live from other people and by no one more so than our parents and our siblings...

We have families because we are weak creatures, and God knows that we need them...

-James Bryan Smith, Rich Mullins: His Life and Legacy, An Arrow Pointing to Heaven

...And I realized that this whole parenting thing was bigger than just me and Ang. Maya's growth - spiritually, socially, mentally - will be an extension of what has made us.

Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Our siblings, Our parents, Their parents, Their parents before them...
All have contributed to the legacy that leads up to my daughter's life... and life that may eventually come from, or be given to her.

Day of rest, reflection, ...and a little bit of terror...

Sometimes my mondays are productive days of checking off items from my 'to-do' list. Usually I do a lot of laundry, some grocery shopping, planning for school, cleaning, a morning class at Norton Pines. But so far today, I've had enough energy to sleep in, read, and take a nap.

I'm still in my pajamas. Pretty pathetic. Maybe a shower and some sorting of laundry will get me going....I'll think about attempting that....after I sit here with my computer a little while longer.

The final tri-mester is approaching quickly. Last week, I signed us up for birthing classes. They start the 23rd of this month. It is all coming so fast. This weekend, a family shower was scheduled for Maya in just a little over a month! I'm so excited.

Ryan and I were talking about who could ever watch Maya over night sometime ...he asked if 'Aunt Kelly' could maybe spend the night at our house if we left for a night. "Of course she would be able to...if she wanted (though she'd probably want to just watch her for a couple of hours during the day first)"...I said...recalling all the time I've spent watching baby neices and nephews. All the experience I've had...even twins...learning their schedule, when to feed them, put them down to sleep, change them, etc.... It's different to keep them overnight. Like the time I watched...well, hm... I've never watched a baby overnight!!!!

Yes we are about to have our own child...to keep for at least eighteen years as our gift and responsibility...and we have NEVER even taken care of a baby overnight....ever. What are we doing?? Soon Ryan and I will go to the birthing center together and leave with a child. What will we do with her? We have no idea what we have gotten ourselves into.

At least I'm not feeling so lethargic any more...I better start accomplishing something.

week 27

Some sources call this week the first week of the third-trimester, but most pregnancy websites say that the second tri-mester still has two weeks left.
Maya's eyes might be opening now, and her auditory nerve is now developed. I have noticed in the last few days that she seems to be responding more consistently to sounds...especially our voices.
You may argue that she has no idea what our words mean, but we are certain that her listening skills and ability to follow directions are exceptionally advanced. Ryan asked her to kick...three times in a row, and each time she did! Clearly, she is a genius.
And she seems to be very compliant... we're hoping.

Only 99 days...

...until Maya is scheduled to arrive.

The time is passing so quickly. She hasn't even been born, and I already feel like these experiences are slipping away...Sooner than we can imagine, she'll squirm too much to be held like a baby. Then she won't need a crib anymore. We'll send her to kindergarten. Elementary school will be a rapid blurr, and then she'll be a teenager...a college freshman...an independent woman...a wife? a mother?

What is that like? To be so incredibly wrapped up in another life? To measure your own life cycles and seasons by another person. My identity is already altered...so that people, even strangers, immediately ask questions like...
"how far along are you?" "when are you due?" "do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"

Instead of..."what is your name?" "what do you do?" "where do you work?"

And I don't mind. I'd rather answer their questions than talk about my 'other' life. I love telling them that I'm 26 weeks...almost to the third trimester...due May 9th. That I have a little girl named Maya.


Maya,
I can't wait to see you.
It is so hard to think of anything but your birth.
Your dad and I love this anticipation.
We talk to you all time and try to imagine what you will really be like.
But we don't want to rush you.
We'll try to savour every moment of our life before you join us more tangibly..
..and we'll try to remember how this wonderful ache feels.
Don't grow up too fast.
I love you.
your mom

is this real?

Today, as I opened the closet door to our extra bedroom, I was stunned by its contents.
There were two racks of baby clothes.

I own diapers!
Tiny socks, bibs, baby toys.

For a moment, I was in a daze. I guess I put these things here. But...I have...baby things. weird.

I think I have no idea how life is about to change.

growing...

January 1, 2006

January 22, 2006

Maya continues to make us aware of her presence. Every night she kicks more....enough for Ryan to feel from the outside. Sometimes you can even *see* her sudden movements jolt my stomach. Even as I am typing, I can feel her changing positions...a lot.

My protruding belly button is often noticed. But my favorite comment about it came on Friday at the end of day. My kindergarteners were leaving my class room in a line, and one of them pointed to it and said "Look, Mrs. Corbin! You can see Maya's little finger sticking out!"

Up until a few weeks ago, I've been used to hearing people say...."how far along are you? you don't even look pregnant!"
They don't say that any more. So I've been feeling a little big lately. But for once in my life, that's an okay feeling. I could probably wear clothes that 'hide' my baby....but it's kind of fun to show her off.
(hm...after looking at that picture, maybe I can't hide it as much I think...that's getting pretty big:)

maya's daddy loves her

In less than three days (two of which have been full work days), Ryan has cleared out the office (now nursery), painted two coats in the nursery (with help from Grandma and Grandpa Corbin), cleaned out the closet, built closet organizers, painted stripes on the walls, and put together Maya's crib!



It is so fun to see it all together. We keep imagining her.... How she will sleep (or probably *not* sleep sometimes) in her crib...how we will spend afternoons rocking her...what it will be like to see her look up at us and smile when she wakes up.

The room is still pretty bare, but it is a lot easier to imagine it finished!

Once again, I should be in bed.
Maya is wiggling more than ever....a sure sign that I should be sleeping.

maya's favorite time of day...

...or maybe it's her least favorite. I'll probably never know what her rolling around and kicking is meant to express. But this time of night is always exciting. As I begin to seriously contemplate sleep (which I've been casually contemplating all day), Maya becomes strangely alert and active. She's twisting and turning inside of me. Sometimes it feels like she's kicking or punching (though still without too much muscle)..and occasionally, I wonder if her tiny fingers are actually tickling me.

Maya is now in her sixth month of life. Her tiny lungs are beginning to develop more quickly. Her coordination is improving and she is becoming more deliberate with her movements...she can even tell the difference between being upside down and right side up! I wish I could see her again...I wonder if she still keeps her arms up in front of her face. Does she feel as crowded as I do? My skin hurts sometimes...as if I have just gorged myself with a mountain of food. You know that feeling after you've eaten too much? when you vow to never eat again? and you wonder if you might actually explode...split open...or pop? It's strange to feel that way without eating a thing.

too late.

So, before I started hand sewing all of Maya's crib bedding, I searched and searched the internet for something I liked. I really wanted red....and I was picturing this...



...exactly.

But I never found it...until tonight.

It's perfect...exactly what I had in mind. It is actually scary, how much it looks like the set I designed. And on eBay, the set is actually cheaper than what I am spending making it myself.
My home-made version will never be as straight and perfectly cut, but hopefully it will be special somehow...that I spent hours making it just for her...even with a few crooked stitches.

So when I finish, and post a picture of Maya's crib set, you will all have to ease my frustration and reaffirm that hers is better.

Maya has a crib!

Her Grandma and Grandpa Corbin gave it to her on Friday.
There is no room to put it anywhere in our house yet...so it sits in the box in our living room, waiting for the office to become a nursery.

The dust ruffle and the quilt are finished (no, her bedding is not the catastrophic, world-wide flood scene in the picture). All that the crib needs now are the bumper pads, a sheet, and....Maya.

This morning when I woke up, she had somehow transferred all of her weight to one side of my belly. There was a big solid bump on my just right side.

My once deep 'innie' belly button is now officially an 'outie.' It looks like a cheerio.

for friends and family far away...

...yes, I am now 'showing.'

and as you have requested, here is how Maya has affected my shape so far...



Tonight, a young parent of a student asked if I needed any maternity clothes, and only an hour later brought two enormous boxes full of clothes to my door (probably more clothes than I even own) for me to borrow. So many of them are the perfect size and style. It feels like Christmas...again! If I wore them all, I probably would never have to wear the same thing twice until Maya is born. Seriously. This woman has a *lot* of clothes. I am so excited and grateful. Though the process of sorting and trying things on was exhausting....for me AND for my consultant (Ryan tried to be interested as I modeled each shirt, sweater, dress...quickly responding with a "sure" or "um...no.").

I can feel Maya kicking me right now. As her bones and muscles grow, her gentle attempts to get my attention are becoming much more distinct. I've been telling my students that Maya can hear them, so they need to make sure that they are setting good examples for her. I think she will already know "Twinkle Twinkle" by the time she is born. I hope the squeaky, beginner violin playing she is forced to listen to daily isn't affecting her perfect pitch!
I just finished organizing all of our CD's this weekend...probably around 300-400 of them. They are now alphabetized and classified by genre: Classical, old Christian music that is seldom listened to but kept for posterity in 'the archives' notebook, and Current (almost 150 different artists ranging from Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole, to Damien Rice, the Polyphonic Spree, U2, Iron and Wine, Norah Jones, Kurt Elling, Ben Folds, Miss Saigon, Godspell, Over the Rhine). We are working hard to give Maya a broad spectrum of music listening. She needs to hear a lot of really good music to balance out all the...other music she hears at school.

And now, what Maya needs most is...sleep.