week 27

Some sources call this week the first week of the third-trimester, but most pregnancy websites say that the second tri-mester still has two weeks left.
Maya's eyes might be opening now, and her auditory nerve is now developed. I have noticed in the last few days that she seems to be responding more consistently to sounds...especially our voices.
You may argue that she has no idea what our words mean, but we are certain that her listening skills and ability to follow directions are exceptionally advanced. Ryan asked her to kick...three times in a row, and each time she did! Clearly, she is a genius.
And she seems to be very compliant... we're hoping.

Only 99 days...

...until Maya is scheduled to arrive.

The time is passing so quickly. She hasn't even been born, and I already feel like these experiences are slipping away...Sooner than we can imagine, she'll squirm too much to be held like a baby. Then she won't need a crib anymore. We'll send her to kindergarten. Elementary school will be a rapid blurr, and then she'll be a teenager...a college freshman...an independent woman...a wife? a mother?

What is that like? To be so incredibly wrapped up in another life? To measure your own life cycles and seasons by another person. My identity is already altered...so that people, even strangers, immediately ask questions like...
"how far along are you?" "when are you due?" "do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"

Instead of..."what is your name?" "what do you do?" "where do you work?"

And I don't mind. I'd rather answer their questions than talk about my 'other' life. I love telling them that I'm 26 weeks...almost to the third trimester...due May 9th. That I have a little girl named Maya.


Maya,
I can't wait to see you.
It is so hard to think of anything but your birth.
Your dad and I love this anticipation.
We talk to you all time and try to imagine what you will really be like.
But we don't want to rush you.
We'll try to savour every moment of our life before you join us more tangibly..
..and we'll try to remember how this wonderful ache feels.
Don't grow up too fast.
I love you.
your mom

is this real?

Today, as I opened the closet door to our extra bedroom, I was stunned by its contents.
There were two racks of baby clothes.

I own diapers!
Tiny socks, bibs, baby toys.

For a moment, I was in a daze. I guess I put these things here. But...I have...baby things. weird.

I think I have no idea how life is about to change.

growing...

January 1, 2006

January 22, 2006

Maya continues to make us aware of her presence. Every night she kicks more....enough for Ryan to feel from the outside. Sometimes you can even *see* her sudden movements jolt my stomach. Even as I am typing, I can feel her changing positions...a lot.

My protruding belly button is often noticed. But my favorite comment about it came on Friday at the end of day. My kindergarteners were leaving my class room in a line, and one of them pointed to it and said "Look, Mrs. Corbin! You can see Maya's little finger sticking out!"

Up until a few weeks ago, I've been used to hearing people say...."how far along are you? you don't even look pregnant!"
They don't say that any more. So I've been feeling a little big lately. But for once in my life, that's an okay feeling. I could probably wear clothes that 'hide' my baby....but it's kind of fun to show her off.
(hm...after looking at that picture, maybe I can't hide it as much I think...that's getting pretty big:)

maya's daddy loves her

In less than three days (two of which have been full work days), Ryan has cleared out the office (now nursery), painted two coats in the nursery (with help from Grandma and Grandpa Corbin), cleaned out the closet, built closet organizers, painted stripes on the walls, and put together Maya's crib!



It is so fun to see it all together. We keep imagining her.... How she will sleep (or probably *not* sleep sometimes) in her crib...how we will spend afternoons rocking her...what it will be like to see her look up at us and smile when she wakes up.

The room is still pretty bare, but it is a lot easier to imagine it finished!

Once again, I should be in bed.
Maya is wiggling more than ever....a sure sign that I should be sleeping.

maya's favorite time of day...

...or maybe it's her least favorite. I'll probably never know what her rolling around and kicking is meant to express. But this time of night is always exciting. As I begin to seriously contemplate sleep (which I've been casually contemplating all day), Maya becomes strangely alert and active. She's twisting and turning inside of me. Sometimes it feels like she's kicking or punching (though still without too much muscle)..and occasionally, I wonder if her tiny fingers are actually tickling me.

Maya is now in her sixth month of life. Her tiny lungs are beginning to develop more quickly. Her coordination is improving and she is becoming more deliberate with her movements...she can even tell the difference between being upside down and right side up! I wish I could see her again...I wonder if she still keeps her arms up in front of her face. Does she feel as crowded as I do? My skin hurts sometimes...as if I have just gorged myself with a mountain of food. You know that feeling after you've eaten too much? when you vow to never eat again? and you wonder if you might actually explode...split open...or pop? It's strange to feel that way without eating a thing.

too late.

So, before I started hand sewing all of Maya's crib bedding, I searched and searched the internet for something I liked. I really wanted red....and I was picturing this...



...exactly.

But I never found it...until tonight.

It's perfect...exactly what I had in mind. It is actually scary, how much it looks like the set I designed. And on eBay, the set is actually cheaper than what I am spending making it myself.
My home-made version will never be as straight and perfectly cut, but hopefully it will be special somehow...that I spent hours making it just for her...even with a few crooked stitches.

So when I finish, and post a picture of Maya's crib set, you will all have to ease my frustration and reaffirm that hers is better.

Maya has a crib!

Her Grandma and Grandpa Corbin gave it to her on Friday.
There is no room to put it anywhere in our house yet...so it sits in the box in our living room, waiting for the office to become a nursery.

The dust ruffle and the quilt are finished (no, her bedding is not the catastrophic, world-wide flood scene in the picture). All that the crib needs now are the bumper pads, a sheet, and....Maya.

This morning when I woke up, she had somehow transferred all of her weight to one side of my belly. There was a big solid bump on my just right side.

My once deep 'innie' belly button is now officially an 'outie.' It looks like a cheerio.

for friends and family far away...

...yes, I am now 'showing.'

and as you have requested, here is how Maya has affected my shape so far...



Tonight, a young parent of a student asked if I needed any maternity clothes, and only an hour later brought two enormous boxes full of clothes to my door (probably more clothes than I even own) for me to borrow. So many of them are the perfect size and style. It feels like Christmas...again! If I wore them all, I probably would never have to wear the same thing twice until Maya is born. Seriously. This woman has a *lot* of clothes. I am so excited and grateful. Though the process of sorting and trying things on was exhausting....for me AND for my consultant (Ryan tried to be interested as I modeled each shirt, sweater, dress...quickly responding with a "sure" or "um...no.").

I can feel Maya kicking me right now. As her bones and muscles grow, her gentle attempts to get my attention are becoming much more distinct. I've been telling my students that Maya can hear them, so they need to make sure that they are setting good examples for her. I think she will already know "Twinkle Twinkle" by the time she is born. I hope the squeaky, beginner violin playing she is forced to listen to daily isn't affecting her perfect pitch!
I just finished organizing all of our CD's this weekend...probably around 300-400 of them. They are now alphabetized and classified by genre: Classical, old Christian music that is seldom listened to but kept for posterity in 'the archives' notebook, and Current (almost 150 different artists ranging from Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole, to Damien Rice, the Polyphonic Spree, U2, Iron and Wine, Norah Jones, Kurt Elling, Ben Folds, Miss Saigon, Godspell, Over the Rhine). We are working hard to give Maya a broad spectrum of music listening. She needs to hear a lot of really good music to balance out all the...other music she hears at school.

And now, what Maya needs most is...sleep.

Yet in my lineaments they trace
Some features of my father's face.
-from Parisina, by Byron



I am fascinated with the idea that in just a few short months I will be looking into the eyes of my daughter. If the history of mankind is any indicator, she will share some of my features. But what will they be?

Will her profile look like mine as one glances over her shoulder, like it is with me and my Dad?

Will her smile match mine and my mother's? Or will it be as beautiful as Ang's?

I can't wait to meet you Maya...

sewing...

I've spent most of today cutting fabric for Maya's crib bedding. My obsessive compulsive mindset has been making me jittery for a month...to get started sewing for my baby. As soon as we knew that we had a girl, I wanted to go and buy everything to get started. Ryan finally (only a few days later) graciously agreed to spend another large chunk of cash...after a month of extra expenses. So yesterday I spent the day choosing fabric prints, designing the quilt, making measurements, and adding up the cost.

Today I cut all the pieces to make the quilt, sheet, bumper pads, and dust ruffle for the crib. At the end of all the tedious measuring and cutting, I actually had a little time left to gratify my urge and start piecing the quilt together. It's so pretty. I can't wait to see it in her crib. And to see her in it! All the little preparations to make our home ready for Maya are so exciting....though the 'to-do' list is overwhelming.

Even though I can see the 'big picture,' it's hard to have the motivation to do the little mundane tasks of organizing CD's and papers. The soon-to-be nursery is now a library/office full of books and files. Somehow, we have to find space in our house for a desk and three large shelves. Once we get it all moved, we can start creating a bedroom for Maya! I can't wait to paint (well....to have Ryan paint) and start putting baby things in their places.

little red dresses are fun.

Meet.......

Maya Grace

She weighs 12 ounces, has a beautiful pumping heart, and as you can see....a well developed brain.
Maya really likes to keep her arms and hands up in front of her face, so the ultrasound technician had to 'look through' the arm to get the lovely profile shot above...she also looked through the skull :)

This is how she covered her face most of the time...both arms, crossed over her face.



Every once in a while, she let us get a glimpse of her beautiful face...



She looked pretty comfortable.



We are in awe...Isn't she pretty??

20 Weeks!

Half way there!
Only two more days until the ultrasound...

pictures coming soon!

to my baby...

I can't believe how quickly you have developed into such a complex and beautiful person. The months have disappeared so quickly. Already, you can hear pieces of the world around you...and your mind is beginning to develop intricate connections and specific abilities. I never could have imagined what it would be like to love you...and to feel you moving inside of me.
I've always wondered how I could ever love a child more than I love your cousins. (By the way, they can't wait to meet you. They will teach you so many important things.) I have been 'aunt angie' for more than eight years. The way that I love and long to protect my neices and nephews is painful already. I desperately want to guard them from hurt and insecurities and disappointing discoveries about the world. The day that each of them came home from the hospital and the first time that I held them are so clearly etched in my memory. Each time, I thought that my capacity to love MUST be full. It could not be possible to love another baby, another child any more than I already did.
And yet you completely consume my thoughts. Whenever people mention you to me, I light up. So many people love you already....and I love talking about you. Every day, I am more excited to meet you...and more fearful of the mistakes I will make as your mother.
I think about how we will paint your room, and fill your crib with linens, and what clothes you will wear. What you and I will do each day. And I know that my silly preoccupations with these thoughts are naive...that the adjustments that you and I will have to make to our new life might involve more than paint and blankets and sunlit walks to the park in your beautiful stroller. But I love dreaming.
I am so grateful that God has trusted me with you, with your life. I can't wait to find out who He has made you to be. Will you be interested in music or art, will you be good at math (unlike your mother)? Are you sensitive and perceptive? Will your personality be like mine, or like your fathers, or something completely different? I cringe to think about what weaknesses you may inherit from me...genetically or by example.
Only a few more days until I can call you by name. I love you so much. Please keep growing. You are the most incredible gift your father and I have ever been given.

What in the world?
A couple of days ago I registered for this stroller, and was so excited about it.


















And now, the picture of the very same stroller, looks like this on the Target registry...and costs twenty dollars less.


















Is it just me, or are these two strollers quite different?

My kids...

...are so excited about this baby. Parents tell me stories all the time about how much their children talk about my baby at home.

Yesterday, a mom told me that her daughter came home from school and said, "Mom! Have you seen Mrs. Corbin lately??"
Her mother assumed that I must be starting to 'show'. "Yeah. She's getting a little bigger. And next week she gets to have her surround sound to find out if it's a girl or a boy!"

Later in the evening, as I was getting ready for our big concert, I was back stage tuning violins. About thirty kids were in the 'tuning line' with many of their parents and a few high school assistants in the room. The second grader in front of me noticed my slightly protruding belly in my fitted black dress and said "Mrs. Corbin! Your baby is getting big!"
"Yes it is, isn't it? Just wait until after Christmas break, my belly will probably be even bigger."

"Will it be as big as Mrs. _______'s???!!!! (a fifty-ish woman we both know that is definately NOT pregnant)"

Her sister scolded her. "No, ________, it can't be THAT big!!"

And from your Dad...

In between the excitement and joy, I have to admit that I’m sometimes scared about you coming into this world.

There is a longing I have inside to share with you all of the things that I know to keep you safe, secure, loved, happy... as much knowledge as 26 years experience and lots of student loans can bring. These aren’t the things I’m worried about. Aside from how I will possibly afford you, I mostly am concerned about the things in life I can’t explain or don’t understand.

Loss
Pain
Broken relationships
Hate
Rage

I promise that your mother and I will show you the best picture of redemption that we can... we've learned from some of the best.

To my baby...

You are still such a mystery to me. There is not a moment of any day that you are not in my thoughts. I wonder how much you can hear my voice when I speak and when I sing. Are you listening to the music that surrounds us every day? I hope you can hear me telling you how much I love you. I can feel you wiggling around inside of me at night. You must be growing...my stomach and lungs are beginning to feel a little crowded sometimes.

In just two weeks your father and I will give you a name. He loves you so much. He is constantly making sure that you are safe. No matter where I go or what I do, your dad makes sure that I am taking good care of you. I hardly ever have to do anything difficult. He won't let me.

Keep growing. We can't wait to see you. We have never looked forward to anything as much as we long to meet you face to face.

December 22

In just three weeks, we will get to see our baby's face!
We asked to have the ultrasound done at the hospital so that we could see a 3-D picture instead of the fuzzy black and white version. It may still be pretty hard to see much, but we're hoping to at least find out if we have a son or a daughter. This is a pretty amazing image...it's hard to believe how much detail can be seen even inside the womb.

It almost seems wrong to reveal so much from within such a secret and mysterious place.
Our ultrasound might not be this clear, but seeing my baby...inside my body, even on an old fashioned machine is an unbelievable experience. In September, as we watched the heart pump inside our six week old baby we were in awe. The whole body was only about three millimeters long, yet our baby's heart was already beating. And it was living inside of me!! I can't wait to see him or her again.

Soon we'll have pictures to post and a name to announce!