Last night, I dreamed several novels worth of stories...

Ryan patiently listened to me recall them this morning as we laid in bed, enjoying the time change. I'll just share a 'short' clip from the dream that was least nonsensical...

Mandy and I were walking down Sherman, towards the beach. We had just left our dorm room in Printy (on Sherman in Muskegon), and I was trying to give her a piggy-back ride. She kept leaning forward and causing me to fall. We'd laugh and try again. Then she overcompensated by leaning back, and we'd fall backwards onto the cement sidewalk. Suddenly I felt guilty...for falling repeatedly. "Mandy! You really need to just balance on your own. It's not good for my baby to keep falling like this." Then the thought struck me that maybe Mandy was just a little too heavy for me to be carrying around right now. (Regardless of how tiny Mandy actually is...she is an adult. And I'm pregnant. I don't even pick up Liam.)
Since it was Sunday, I had to drive back to Cedarville. I always dreaded this, but it was worse this time. She had switched schools and we would not be roommates anymore, so we hugged and cried as we said goodbye.

Then, I went back to church. I was wandering around the foyer in the old Calvary building, squeezing through the crowds, occasionally responding to the many "Congratulations!" I was hearing about the baby.

Suddenly, it was actually a school day...and I was a teacher there, but everyone was treating me like a student. I kept getting tardies and I couldn't find my locker or my next class. As I ran up and down the stairs in the back of the building (the ones that led to Lynn's English room and all the way up to the roof), I kept trying to explain to my friends that I was NOT a student anymore, but no one believed me.

Fortunately, I could always just go to the safety and solace of my dad's office. But when I arrived, I realized that my women's Sunday School class was going on right then...in my Dad's office. The seats around the table were all full and Gail Rockey was just passing out the music for our special four-part harmony song (we were performing the following Sunday in the service). Everyone was singing, trying to learn their parts.
Someone asked me if I had heard Ed Breitenbach's sermon. They were mad about something he said. But, I had missed it...Mandy and I had skipped the service to walk to the beach.

I got up to go to the bathroom (there was a bathroom in his office). As I looked around in the restroom, I noticed the shower curtain was exactly the same as the one in my bathroom at home! And I thought about how funny it was that there was a hotel style bathroom in my dad's office, complete with a bathtub.

I was just about to leave the bathroom when I looked in the mirror and was horrified to find that I was naked. Though I did have a towel. As I wrapped the towel around me, I realized that I had a good reason for being naked. I had just given birth to my baby! Everyone would understand. They probably wouldn't even notice that I had lost my clothes. I was so happy to be holding my beautiful baby boy. I wrapped him in another towel and walked out the door.
My mom was busy at the desk trying to solve a computer problem with another lady and hardly even noticed me holding her newest grandchild. As you can guess, I was pretty offended. "Mom!! I just had my baby! Look!"

He had thick dark reddish-brown hair, and blue eyes. And rosy cheeks. Really. He was amazing.

*he looks like her, she looks like me...

...my baby, soon to see*

Okay, so just hearing the heartbeat has made me a bit more anxious for next May. If you know me, you understand that I hate waiting for things. If there is some way that I can hurry things up, I try.

"What, did you say you wanted your birthday present now? Perfect, I have it right here - now open it!"

"Huh, you say Christmas isn't for a few more weeks? No matter - let's just open our presents and celebrate now!"

I know that I need to learn to be more patient with things. After all, certain things are worth waiting a long time. Ang and I dated four years before we were married and she has been the most amazing thing that could ever happen to me - that is why I am cherishing every minute that Ang and I get to exist together before our lives change in a BIG way. That is seven total years that we were together when conception occurred.

Seven never seemed more perfect to me.

160

Today, we heard our baby's heart beating. It was amazing.
You can hear it too (though it is a cell phone recording...transfered to our computer-not great quality)
Just follow this link and click "download" on the file named "Baby's Heartbeat"

Dear Jaelyn and Addison

We wish we could tell you in person about our special secret, but here's

the best we can do..

we just told Emma & Liam...

...that they had a new baby cousin, inside of me.

Liam became my favorite person when he immediately asked, "then how come you're not fat?"

I kissed his forehead.

We talked for a few more minutes about how small the baby is now...and how it will grow inside of me until it's time to be born.

Liam thought for a minute before he asked his next question.

"How does the baby come out?"

hm....we'll let his parents answer that one.

"Does it come out your mouth?"

No, Liam. It will not come out of my mouth.

thinking ahead...(about six months)

I just finished watching a video about the stages of delivery at this website (the video is at the bottom of the page).
I thought I would learn a lot from it. So many people I've talked to have said that knowing more about what to expect can make the whole birth process easier.
It *was* very informative....but as I watched the baby's head come out of his mother, I realized that I was crying, then sobbing. It was amazing. I think I've seen a delivery before...at least a video. But it has never affected me so deeply.

I wanted to show Ryan the video, but he's snoring on the other couch in our living room.
I'll have to wait until tomorrow.

only one more week...

...until we introduce our baby to the rest of the world. Though without a name or gender, it will be a limited introduction.

I've been so distracted lately. It's hard to concentrate on things I need to get done for school. It was hard to focus in church yesterday. When I'm at home, I look for websites about pregnancy and babies. ....That's not *all* I do. But there is a strange compelling force within me that draws me to any and all information or pictures I can find about this amazing thing happening inside of me.

Tomorrow our baby will be eleven weeks old! Almost three months.

sharing our secret...

This week has been fun...calling family members and close friends to tell them our news. There are still a couple of people we want to get a hold of this week.

By the way, it *is* still a secret! So keep waiting. It's so fun to tell people. Thank you privilleged family and friends for keeping so silent, so that we get to do most of the telling.

The week after next, on Tuesday, I plan to tell my students. I can't wait. It has been so hard to keep quiet about something so profound and exciting. It just seems like people should know that there is another human inside of me. Another heart beating. I have four kidneys, an extra set of hands, feet, fingers, toes...growing inside of my body. It's so strange.

Even before I became pregnant, I used to think about the 'weirdness' of it all. I tried to imagine what it would be like, to know that a person, an adult someday, is being formed inside of you. And it *is* strange...more than just physically. The heavy responsibilty, the unimaginable joy, the vulnerability, the potential for hurt, the thought of the future, even the far distant future, ...all of life is changed.

We've been listening to people tell us for three years about how 'selfish' everyone is before they have children. How they all finally realized that life is not about just themselves when they became parents.

I know this is true.

I also don't like being called selfish. Despite the truth and the good intent, it always seems rather insulting.
Finally, we've acheived the 'non-selfish' parent status (though my instinct tells me that most of the life-changing lessons occur *after* the baby is born...giving up sleep, alone time, free time, money, control,...).
So, everyone may now stop refering to us as 'selfish DINKs' (Double Income - No Kids).

"Divine Creative Power"

..that's what "Maya" means.

Maya Grace Corbin

or maybe it will be...

Ian Patrick Corbin

(Ian- "God's gracious gift")

we snuck into the "Motherhood" store tonight...

...I don't really need maternity clothes yet...and I probably won't for at least another month, but we had fun looking around and imagining the future. I did buy a pair of comfortable warm up pants that I can wear now...and hopefully for quite a while.

Just before we walked into the store though, I heard "MRS. CORBIN!" and turned around to see one of my highschool students working in another store in the mall. So...we stopped to chat, then kept walking. We snuck into the store and headed straight for the back where we wouldn't be so obvious. Then we noticed that a whole family of Calvary members was walking by...and maybe saw Ryan duck behind a rack. So that might be awkward to explain. We were....um..shopping for my friend who's pregnant?

It was a fun adventure...we'll see if the rumor mill has been set in motion or not. Either way, we'll make the formal announcement in a couple of weeks. Almost to the three month mark. It will still be precarious-tiny, frail lives just are, but at least the first trimester will be complete.

Ryan brought home some beautiful children's story books today. I can't wait to read to our baby.
The few times we've gotten to babysit nephews & neices overnight, I've loved watching Ryan reading bedtime stories, tucking Emma and Liam in for the night. He is already an amazing father.

We cherish our alone time together. It's going to be an adjustment that we could never be fully prepared for. But I can't wait to do this together. To be parents.

a frightening experience in the middle of nowhere...

Yesterday, Ryan and I-with our friends, Rob & Kim, were enjoying our last morning at the cabin. Ryan ran to the store to get some anti-freeze for the pipes while Kim and I made breakfast.
While I looked at the eggs in the pan in front of me, I realized that I hadn't taken a deep breath in a while...and I felt a little dizzy. I tried to breathe more deeply, but my strange feeling didn't go away. When I went to sit out on the porch...to get out of the smokey cabin, I felt a little better, so I returned to my eggs...(which had almost burned). And again, I almost fell over. I made it to the back door and just slid down to the ground just inside the door. Ryan came home, confused about why I was behind the door...and helped me out onto the porch again.
He kept asking me to explain myself...I couldn't. I just told him that I couldn't see and I couldn't hear. My ears felt like they were plugged and my vision started narrowing and seeming far away. I assumed he understood that I felt dizzy and faint, so I also told him I could throw up. He kept asking me to walk over to the woods to throw up. I tried to tell him that I couldn't walk and I was falling backwards. Then, I was finally safe. Asleep in my own bed at home. I was warm...dreaming about something pleasant. I must have slept for hours...maybe a day. It was really nice. Until Ryan started yelling at me and trying to make me get up...off of the ground?....at the cabin?.... over by the car? How did I get here? Why were my clothes all dirty? and wet?
I was so confused and scared. I didn't know how I had gotten to the car? Had I fallen? I suddenly remembered that I was pregnant...and how I had been feeling. Ryan's fear and my own...just made me cry.
Apparently my eyes had been open the whole time he carried me to the car...he thought I was awake...until I went limp and wouldn't respond to him. Then he thought I was dead.

The whole thing only lasted about a minute, but since I've never passed out before (except for one time-in Jr. High when I intelligently held my breath in the girls' locker room after P.E.) we decided to drive to the hospital...the only one within an hour's drive...in the Sault. I'm so glad that Rob and Kim were with us. Rob stayed at the cabin...with the fire..and the cooking eggs, sausage, and toast. And Kim came with us. She ran and got me clean clothes and helped me to be calm. She told me some of her similar pregnancy experiences. I think it made Ryan feel better too...knowing that it could be a 'normal' thing.

At the hospital, they put stickers all over me and plugged them into machines that monitored my heart. The cold familiar feeling of an I.V. in my arm reminded me of being little and made me wish my mom wasn't *so* far away.

Everything seemed to be fine. My blood tests, my blood pressure, my heart rate. The doctor thinks that maybe I hyper-ventillated? or that it was just one of those weird things about being pregnant. He was concerned though and wanted me to talk to my doctor when I got back home.
I'm going to call Dr. Karnes office today. I hope I can go in to hear the baby's heart beat or something. I know that *I'm* okay, I just want to know that our baby is okay too.

week ten

The baby is in his....her? tenth week.

He can move around now and is about an inch and a quarter long. All of the main organs are there...even the joints have formed.

Her eyelids are fused shut, but beneath them, the irises are forming and her eye color has already been determined!! Does she have my big dark eyes, or the beautiful sky blue Corbin eyes? or something else?

my sweet husband made dinner...

Last night, I came home after teaching for almost twelve hours. I was exhausted and beyond hungry.

Lately, I get hungry fast. And if I don't eat right away, I feel sick...and nothing sounds good. At that point, it's difficult to settle my stomach.

As I opened the front door, I could smell food cooking. Though the spicy smell didn't exactly thrill me, it was food. And it was ready to eat.

Sausage, onions, red & green peppers with thick, whole-wheat pasta shells.
I ate some. It was difficult.
I regreted it...all night.

Later, on "That 70's Show" someone was eating pancakes. mmmmm.
I still want pancakes.

Thank you, Baby for making dinner. I'm sorry I'm so picky lately.