more dreams...

Last night, I struggled to find sleep. I was feeling terrible pains in my stomach...probably gas. But sometimes it would seem like contractions...and my back hurt too, which everyone says that contractions felt in your back are a sign that contractions are REAL and not just Braxton Hicks. But gas sometimes makes my back hurt too. Eventually, I was exhausted and unconcerned enough that I finally fell asleep...

As I entered dreamworld, I drifted through several brief scenes, mostly set in Calvary's old building...I can't remember if or how they were all connected...

...a frustrating rehearsal with my strings students on the day of our concert...

...a momentary flash of memory at the cabin...wandering through the woods with all of my brothers...playing some kind of game...

...a Sunday morning service at Calvary with Pastor Jonathan and all of his children...still singing Christmas songs...

...a very unorganized Cantata...with those black curtains hung all over the walls...my friends and I sneaking under the baptistry through 'the tunnel'...

...a cheerleading practice in the gym....we were trying to remember our cheerleading routine from camp...going through eight-counts...It was a little awkward with my belly,...but I kept up just fine. Then we had a toe-touch (jump) contest. Forgetting somehow that I was eight months pregnant, I attempted a toe-touch. The fact that I haven't done one in well over a year...and that I hadn't stretched at all contributed to my failure...but I think the extra (almost 20 pounds) of weight, carried mostly in my belly had something to do with my pathetic and frightening jump.... I felt terrible for not remembering that I was pregnant...and soon after practice, the result of my stupidity became evident. I could feel Maya's head pressing down. I suddenly realized that those WERE contractions last night....I never should have come here....I've been in labor all this time.
I looked down and could see the top of her head coming out. By the time I reached the doors to the parking lot in the lobby of the church(where Bill LeBaron was waiting with an umbrella to greet me), my mother had found me and was taking me to her....van??
The parking lot was dark, and my Grandma Marge was trying to help us find the vehicle. Maya's whole head was out now, and she was looking at me, smiling, with an exceptionally large head and toddler-like alertness. She had a very goofy grin on her face...and I thought it was strange that she would be responsive enough to smile already. However, I knew, by my keen instincts that we should definitely get to the hospital quickly...and maybe we would have to just go to Hackley instead of Mercy.
But Ryan was nowhere to be found. I stood in the parking lot, screaming and crying... saying, "I can't do this without him!!! You have to find him! He's in the building somewhere....I don't care if you have to interrupt the service...my dad might want to know too!"
By the time we were all in the minivan, Maya was completely out, I was holding her, realizing that we couldn't drive anywhere now...without a car seat!!! but she was still attached to me...with her cord. David jumped out of the car and grabbed a car seat out of an open convertible parked nearby... and we were on our way. We drove and drove (strangely, since Hackley Hospital is next door to the old Calvary building). The whole time, I was hysterically crying and praying...."Thank you God for Maya...but please keep her safe!!"
The rest is very hazy....eventually we arrived at the dimly lit, suspiciously ominous hospital. The green-hued florescent lighting and dirty vacant hallways gave us a strange intuition that something was not right. There was some kind of chase...I was running from someone through hospital corridors and stairwells... and the rest has faded completely.


So far, back in the 'real' world of wakefulness...I have had no symptoms of labor...But I won't try any toe-touches today either. I'm glad that I'll get to see the doctor today...all the fears and unknowns of late pregnancy seem to be disturbing at least my subconscious.

Only five and a half more weeks!!!

How much bigger am I going to get??

There may not be many more of these....
She'll be here in six weeks!

I almost didn't want to post these last pictures...
I'm always surprised when I see how large my belly actually is. It doesn't seem that big when I look down at it! :)
But I'm so glad that Maya is growing...a lot.


January 1st


January 22nd


Febrary 18th


March 26

Maya's First Parties...

Though she was the guest of honor at three showers last week, Maya is probably not very aware of how spoiled she already is.

Here are some pictures from the showers...


Cousin Alyssa feeling baby Maya's kicks.


The 'Rudd' sisters sans Lynn (we miss you!!)


Maya and me with Grandma Corbin in her freshly painted Key Lime Kitchen.

On to the next party at Aunt Aundrea and Uncle Daniel's House...


We took turns opening Maya's gifts for her. I guess I was *really* excited about this one.



Maya's Friend Anna and her Cousin Isaac entertained everyone once they arrived.

On Friday, after our half day of school, my co-workers gave Maya a shower. It was beautiful. Maya got some wonderful books and clothes and lots of other 'baby things.'

Some of the staff generously contributed to a group gift card to Target that will help pay for Maya's car seat and stroller!



Hmm....some things just don't belong in diapers....like candy bars! We played *that* game.... yuck! :)

Thank you so much to all of our friends and family that have given us so much!! We are overwhelmed with your love and generosity. And we can't wait for Maya to know you and feel your love too.

Maya has found my ribs.

She is getting longer now, and today she has decided to flip upside down...which is good, I guess. I want her to have her head down when it's time to come out. Up until today, she has spent most of her time lying sideways accross my belly, or diagonally reclining-with her feet up and sticking out my right side. But today she is definitely vertical and seems to enjoy pushing on my ribs. As much as I want her to stay facing the right way for delivery....I don't think I will enjoy seven weeks in this new position.

I've been organizing her clothes today. We might order her toybox tonight...so that we have somewhere to put all of her new toys. Currently, they are taking over our living room...which as I mentioned below, is already in quite a bit of turmoil.

Only fifty more days!!!

a weekend of showers...

Right now, the chaos in our house is making me rather insane. Ryan has been working every night this week and all weekend to try to finish our kitchen. He patched a large damaged peice in our ceiling, painted the kitchen, and is now in the process of laying ceramic tile. He is amazing, and I am so grateful for him.

But while we wait for the finished product, all of our dishes, appliances, drawers, and food is covering every surface of our dining room and spilling into the living room. The laundry is piling up...while the route to the laundry room is completely sealed off in plastic (to protect me and Maya from paint fumes and construction dust). The only place that I can sit in peace without feeling frantic about the mess is here...


We just came home from Maya's shower. Her Aunt Andrea and friend Kim (and Aunt Marianne, Aunt Kelly, and lots of other friends) gave her a very fun shower (boys were allowed too...though I don't think they really begged to come). It was so fun to have Ryan there too, opening presents with me. She got lots of fun presents...toys and clothes, Baby Monet DVD, blankets, a bathtime gift basket, sippy cups, baby spoons, and a beautiful soft swing! (it swings back and forth and front to back)


The whole weekend has been overwhelming and so fun. Yesterday was her first shower... a family shower. I've never been able to have huge family gatherings with lots of cousins, aunts, grandparents. I only have one aunt and uncle on each side. I love the cousins I have and always look forward to spending time with them, but they've always lived far away....and our gatherings are far too infrequent. Since I've been part of the Corbin family, it has been so fun to have extended family....LOTS of extended family at every holiday and special event. Maya is so loved. And quite spoiled. Her Great Grandmother crocheted a beautiful sundress for her...with buttons from her Great Great Great Grandmother's button box. She got so many beautiful clothes, books, really fun puppet toys, and all kinds of things to help us take care of her. Her Aunt Jo had this highchair shipped to our house.
I can't wait to see it...though she won't be quite big enough to use it for a while:)

We are so blessed...to have a baby. And to have so many friends and family members that have shown us overwhelming love and generosity. Every day, we are amazed to have Maya. That she is growing inside of me. That we are parents. And that we could be holding her in just a few weeks.

the eighth month!!

I've been lying on the couch just watching my stomach roll around, changing shape, contorting with the movements of the creature living inside of me. It seems a bit like an alien has been implanted into my stomach. Every once in a while, her abrupt movement jolts my whole belly...I wonder if something startles her or if she's just playing.

the eighth month???? i can't wait to meet her, hold her....but...

she has to come out. and that could be soon. i'm not sure i'm ready for that part.

Looking for other pregnancy journals online today led me to this blog, a completely different perspective...witty and real and sad.
I couldn't help but laugh at myself as I read her intro...

"I began my online journal when I learned I was pregnant after my first IVF. I had the idea that it would be useful and entertaining to record the details of my pregnancy as it progressed. Useful? Entertaining? Ha. More like precisely as self-absorbed as every other pregnant woman on the planet with access to a computer and the conviction that her pregnancy is somehow unusually special."

I ached for her as I continued to read about her miscarriage and infertility ....i don't think I could ever write with her cynicism and despairing humor....it's just not me (though different life experiences would probably change that), but I couldn't stop reading. She is just so refreshingly honest and real.

My life is too rich, too easy. I have no idea what suffering is. I'll need to be reminded of that during labor, I'm sure. But I know it.

And I'll try to put aside my fear of pain, inadequacy, complications, pain, exhaustion, tearing, pain....

and keep focusing on the amazing hope...the birth of new life....my child.

Only sixty more days.

Sixty Four more days...

My mind is going to make these last nine weeks seem very long.

Up until this point, everything seemed to go so quickly. The weeks really have flown by. It seems like it was only a few short weeks ago that Ryan and I stood in awe...looking at the positive pregnancy test, trying to fully understand all that had changed. Trying to grasp what we had done! And what was coming!

I can hardly believe that it is now March...and Maya could come in just a few more weeks.

Yesterday, I sat on Ryan's lap as we watched a video he made at the beach last summer. It seemed almost surreal, hearing our laughter, the waves, and the seagulls. I remember how perfect the moment was. How happy and content we felt just being together...just us.
Suddenly I felt afraid...that our few weekends of being 'just us' are almost gone. How will we change? Will we lose something?
And I longed to just savour the time we have left. To enjoy what is left of our almost-four-year honeymoon.

But something has come over me today, and I am suddenly without patience or reason. My calm sense of contenment is gone. I just want Maya to come OUT! Nothing is being accomplished by my folding and refolding of her clothes...or the time I spend just staring in her room.

I keep contemplating whether or not it's too early to pack a bag for the hospital.

It is.

Maybe I just need to go back to work tomorrow...so I can think about something else. School does make the time pass quickly.

Is this normal? I don't feel normal...I feel obsessed, jittery. Does this furious longing to hold her and just see her NOW stem from just a bit of...imbalance?? I'm quite certain I'm crazy.

registering

We just finished 'shopping' at Target. We picked out a record number of items we liked, but left the store with an empty cart....maybe for the first time ever.

I had registered for some of the bigger essentials (car seat, stroller, etc.) online, but with her first shower coming up soon, we thought we should put some things that are actually in the store on her registry. If other people shop like I do for showers...they will not be browsing an online registry weeks ahead of time. I usually frantically run around Target trying to find something on the list that is actually in stock...usually the day of the shower.

There are still a few things that can only be bought online...at Target and JCPenney (mostly the big things like furniture, car seat, stroller). Choosing a car seat and stroller was just way too agonizing. I searched the NHTSA website and Consumer's Reports for safety ratings...and have changed my mind at least five times now. But I think we found the perfect safety/convenience/design/price compromise with the evenflo Aura Travel System (stroller/infant seat combo).

Hm.... things I never thought I would spend hours doing. And probably not very interesting to read about. But finding 'things' for Maya is one of the most tangible ways I keep finding to anticipate her arrival.

The 'things' don't really matter. For now though, they are fun to look at. I really just want to hold her.

Only nine weeks and two days!!!