when your baby is sick,

...the pain is excruciating.

Maya's nose and throat are so full of slime, that she chokes whenever she's trying to eat. She looks up at me with terror as her face turns red and she coughs up her milk mixed with the phlegm that is draining down her throat.

She can *always* sleep at night. For almost a week now, her 8-9 hours of sleeping have turned into ten!
But last night, she woke up three times suddenly, screaming and coughing... her nose dripping and every breath rattling. Struggling to breathe makes trying to fall back to sleep frustrating and slow. We set the alarm twice in the night to check on her again.

It's just a viral infection. And we've done everything the doctor suggested...PediaCare, a cool mist vaporizer, saline drops, nasal aspirators...and she is doing a little better. In fact, she woke up smiling this morning, despite her discomfort.


But I hate hearing her cry in pain and fear. I can't imagine the agony of watching your child truly suffer. Maya has everything she could ever need or want. So far, we have been able to protect her from every real danger, and give her beautiful clothes and toys that make her laugh.

But I know that this 'ability' is only a gift from God...and our control is only an illusion. Someday, something or someone will hurt her, and watching her hurt will seem unbearable. Her first shots gave me a glimpse of that torment. She looked into my eyes as if she was asking me "why? why are you letting this happen?"

So many mothers live with that pain every day...watching helplessly, as their babies cry, starving, weak, and sick..and they are unable to give them anything.
I am wholly and undeservingly blessed.

Yesterday, she filled four diapers, a onesie, and managed to get her swing too...all within ten minutes.

"Who me???"

I do this pretty much all day....

...not really. But that's what Ryan thinks. And maybe for good reason. The sheer volume of (practically identical) pictures stored on our computer reveals a pretty obsessive "photo-booth freak."

It IS dreadfully addicting. Pretty much every time she smiles (which is a fairly frequent event), I feel the frantic need to capture her happiness...to preserve it forever. That if I can just take enough pictures,...

... I will be more able to live IN the moment, to value every new experience, to hang on to *something* when everything seems to be changing at a frightening speed, to appreciate all the overwhelming joy of having a new daughter. I know this is a ridiculous theory, a feeble, grasping, and overly-eager parenting fallacy. The kind of thing that parents of multiple children like to make fun of.

I'm worried. I can't stop.

But it's at least kind of normal?

right?

maya's first friends

Born only a few weeks apart...




...Noah Benjamin (5/26) and Maya Grace (5/2)...






...and Taylor Grace (4/26) and Maya Grace.








And we're hoping to meet Baby Adeline soon too (she's due in just three days)!

my hair is getting long...

...and my mom put these annoying things on my head.

ma belle petite fille

Photo Booth, my favorite feature on our iMac

waiting for Maya













Maya and her Daddy















Maya's Mommy loves her

maya's morning faces

"how does my hair look?!"

has it really been two months?

almost.

Maya will be eight weeks old next Tuesday. It is frightening how quickly she is changing and growing. Sometimes I feel a bit frantic...wanting to soak in every moment of her existence- not taking this time for granted. I'm beginning to realize how short it is.

She has quite a personality already. She has started to smile and respond to us so much. Sometimes her smiles even break into laughter. When she is happy, her little voice is the sweetest, most soothing sound. Her favorite toy right now is her Baby Einstein 'gym.' (It's really the only thing she can actually *play* with.) She loves to reach out and swat at the dangling toys and watch them swing above her head. She talks to and squeals at her little friend, the lady bug that hangs from the gym, for hours a day.
When she's on her belly, she pushes her head up with her arms to see what's going on. She even tries to stand whenever there is a hard surface under her feet.
But my favorite new development is Maya's maturity in the area of SLEEP. Since week five, she has been consistently sleeping for six to seven hours almost every night...waking just to eat...then going back down to sleep for two or three more hours! It feels like heaven. I never thought it would be so decadent to wake up at six in the morning. I've heard that she might eventually sleep for twelve hours at night! I don't think I would know what to do with so much sleep all at once. Well..actually I'm pretty sure I could handle it.

The sleep deprivation is really messing with my brain.

Last night, I woke up and realized that I had fallen asleep feeding Maya in bed. (Which is impossible because I never feed Maya in bed.) But she was right on the edge of my bed...and she was also a bit 'squishy'....(sortof like a pillow). I tried not to panic. Instead, I carefully lifted 'her' in my arms...and carried 'her' to her room. I was about to lay 'her' down in her crib when....

I SAW HER SLEEPING IN HER CRIB!

It was very creepy.

Annoyed with my bizarre sleep walking habits, I went back to bed. But as soon as I started to fall back asleep, Maya let out a painful scream. I jumped out of bed and ran to her room again...but she was still sleeping peacefully.

I got back into bed mumbling to Ryan about how terribly confused and frustrated I was.

I still don't know what actually happened and what I dreamed.

I really need to get more sleep.

In fact, I should go do that right now. I've been wasting priceless hours of Maya's sleeping time! All because I felt guilty for not posting in a while!

the only reason you check this blog...

a dangerous combination

two of my most cherished activities lately...

1.) holding Maya

2.) sleeping



This was my favorite part of a wonderful, though exhausting, first Mother's Day. I love to hold her as I fall asleep. But my tendency toward strange sleep behavior keeps me from indulging in this luxury...except in the presence of watching family members (like in this picture).


A few weeks ago, Ryan woke me in the middle of the night..."Ang! Is she okay?" He was worried about the noises Maya was making in her sleep. Having my treasured sleep disrupted, I was rather annoyed. So...as I held out my arms to show him how carefully I was cradling our daughter, I replied in my most condescending (and slightly exasperated) tone, "Ryan, I've GOT her right here!"

However, even as I spoke those words, I knew I was terribly wrong. The precious little bundle I was so carefully holding in my arms...(actually...tightly smothering in my arms)...seemed to be melting...the blankets were covering her face...I was frantic...I couldn't find her face... I couldn't feel her breathing...

It was the very worst possible moment of my life...and yet Ryan was so cruel, so cold and uncaring that he was laughing.
Laughing at my hysteria.

But I laughed too, as dream world (and my fear) began to fade into reality. I looked down, realizing that I was carefully holding my very favorite, affectionately named, "fluffy pillow" (not my sweet daughter).

This nightmare reoccurs almost every night.

the most beautiful profile you've ever seen...

Maya is quite expressive already...at only two weeks. How in the world did we end up with such a dramatic child?








and for the truly devoted....even more maya pictures are here

maya's first 'outing'

Maya arrived just in time (with only four days to spare) to see her Daddy graduate "Summa Cum Laude" (with highest honors) with his Master's degree last Saturday. She was very impressed...

Actually she slept through the whole ceremony...even when a thoughtless member of the audience blew an air horn only a few feet from her tiny, fragile ears. Her dad was pretty mad about it. You should have seen him jump up from his seat among the graduates, and storm up the bleachers to see if his baby was okay (and to share a few kind words with the man who blew the horn).

Since her first outing was so traumatic, we decided that... just to be safe, we'll just keep her at home from now on. No more outings, ever. She may complain when she's a teenager, but someday she'll understand and thank us.

my first thoughts as a mom...

Sometimes, in this past week, I've thought about writing. I've begun to form words in my mind to try to express what I feel. But no words ever seem sufficient.
I've never experienced so many new feelings at once.

There is so much to say, but mostly...
I am in awe of the depth of my new and overwhelming love.
To love someone so fiercely is painful. It is a heavy and exhausting burden.
But I have never felt so complete and full and truly happy.

Here is something much better than words...

maya grace

lots of pictures here

More coming soon...

Welcome to the World...

Today at 8:45AM EST we welcomed Maya Grace into our world. She weighed 7lbs, 4oz and was a perfect twenty inches long.

We will tell you all about it later. Right now I have to get back to the hospital to take care of my girls...

This week, we've begun to try *all* kinds of ways to get Maya to come out. Yesterday, I walked on a treadmill for forty-five minutes. (Which turns out to be much more exhausting and painful with a 6 to 8 pound person lodged in your pelvic bones). I plan to go back tonight.

It is strange to know that any day or hour, I WILL have a medical emergency of sorts. I know I will be going to the hospital sometime. I'm not just being dramatic or a hypochondriac. It is inevitable. And this experience will be one of the most physically painful experiences of humanity. It has to be pretty bad, it's mentioned as part of The Curse!

...and yet, I'm doing everything I possibly can to speed up the process. Though there is a small amount of dread and fear in my mind, mostly...I'm desperately longing for it to happen SOON. I've never looked forward to anything with so much hope and excitement.

This whole process of life...and how a new person is formed and becomes part of our world...has always seemed so normal to me. News of pregnant friends, or adopted children is exciting and wonderful...but never life altering. It happens everyday. Though each neice and nephew that has entered my family has given me a glimpse of how incredible and life-changing new lives truly are, birth has always seemed so natural and...normal.

But it's always been part of some one else's life. Not mine.

"One of the strange things about baby announcements is that they render the arrival of a human as if it were a normal event. Something regular and conventional that we are accustomed-to and prepared-for...
...I love the ways, though, that babies reproduce the social world into which they are born or adopted. They are (in many ways) an embodiement of who-loves-them. All it takes is the focused love of a vast network of people -- into one very small person -- to create a human filled with our potential."
~Maya's Uncle Andy (on the arrival of new baby Madeline)