I've always had strong opinions about the *right* and *wrong* ways to raise a child. It's so easy for me to express just how poorly other parents make decisions.
For example....
I know of many just plain bratty little girls...many of whom are my students. It's not really their own fault. I watch their parents cower in fear, or make excuses for them, or simply look bewildered as they throw a fit because something isn't the way they'd like it to be.
Also, many parents come to me, after about the second or third month of their child's violin lessons. "Katie just doesn't seem to *enjoy* playing the violin like she used to. I'd really like for her to keep going, but I'm not going to force her. This has to be 'her' thing. I think we'll take a break for a while." First of all, Katie is usually only six to ten years old, hardly old enough to understand the value of perserverance. Secondly, she has wanted to play the violin for years. She just didn't realize there would be work involved. And now, she's whining because it's hard. Of course she's whining. Her parents just don't realize how normal this is. Instead of seeing a teachable moment, they are concerned and confused. A challenge? Can a child handle that?? So, the parents decide that Katie should make her own decision to quit something hard. She'll never experience the joy of accomplishing something, of finding the beauty in the mundane, difficult things in life.
Grr. Sometimes I tell them what I think. But sadly, this year I've had to just say "okay" because my schedule is too full to take Katie anyways.
(Of course there are many wonderful parents of students that I've gotten to know and learn from. And by the way, sometimes, if a child is legitimately too young or unready, I think it's fine to step back and take a break from lessons for a while. Also, I've never had a student named Katie.)
Another frustrating parental observation...I've also seen lots of parents just ignore their children. I know they talk A LOT sometimes, but it is beautiful! I love hearing the stories of children. When *I* am a parent, I will listen endlessly...looking into their eyes, so they understand that I think that their words are important.
(confidently) I won't make mistakes like *that* when I have a child.
Marianne and I were just talking about this the other day. Some parents....(eye roll)
But now, *I* am a mother!!! (hard swallow)
I haven't really faced the parenting decisions yet, but I'm already humbled by reality.
There is just so much that is out of my control.
What horrible life-altering decisions will I make for my child? What habits and judgements will I pass down to her?
How can I teach him to think for himself, to love learning, to pursue challenges? Will I sometimes selfishly tune out her beautiful chatter? How will she ever understand how deeply I love her already? And how much God cherishes her? Will he be an apathetic, bored teenager someday?
Will she make good friends who won't hurt her? Will he love music like I do?
Now the waiting seems okay. Maybe I have a lot to learn in nine-months. But I have a feeling that even at delivery, I still won't have all the answers. Will I at least have a few??
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6 comments:
Ang-
I feel the same way that you do...I know the things I am saying and the decisions I am making are already impacting Isaac and Will's lives greatly - and this really scares me! The fact that you are thinking about these things already makes me realize how blessed this baby will be to have a mom like you (of course, we all knew you would be a great mom someday!).
Ang, we all had pre-concieved ideas on child-rearing before we had children - most of which are thrown out as soon as our first one arrives. There are lots of parenting books but no magic formulas. Plus each child, even though raised within the same family structure, is a unique gift of God requiring specialized attention to help them develop and grow (Andrea and Dan probably see this already with Isaac and Will).
I think most of parenting is trial and error, learn as you go. I know I made mistakes at it (just ask Ryan) but if I had it to do over I can only think of a couple of things that I would probably change. Since I'm not much of a talker I know I didn't communicate very well to my children how much I loved them. I would also praise them more - I had two great kids (now I have three) but I don't tell them how proud I am of them enough.
You and Ryan will be great parents and I know you will communicate your love for your children constantly. It has been your influence on me that has allowed me to better verbalize my love for those closest to me. Thank you for being in love with my son and showing it in all that you do.
Love you.
p.s. I am assuming you are never going to let any of your students parents have access to this Blog.
dad,
Thank you for all your kind and wise words. It is calming to know that even good parents sometimes think that they may have made mistakes and their kids still turn out beautifully.
If I do announce this blog on the other blog as a way to spread the news....maybe i'll delete this post (and just save it somewhere else:)
andrea,
thank you again for being so *in this* with us. you are a continual source of celebration and excitement.
we love watching you mother isaac and will. it is beautiful!
love,
ang
I think the only answer you have when your children first arrive...at least the only answer that is the right one is that you'll love them unconditionally. And that you'll love them with open hands...understanding that they aren't really ultimately yours and your love can only be a gift for them.
It seems like only the selfishest and the most unreflectivisticest (once i started adding endings to selfish i couldn't stop myself...even though the addition of "ic" to most words is my pettest of peeves....) parents would be the ones that would give selfish love to their children. Parents who dress and discipline and enroll their children in all the "right" ways so that they can be a clear credit to their parents....
But the reality is that that selfishness, that desire to have the children be your image bearers, is rooted deeply inside all of us. And its impossible for it to not exist -- since we all know that children *do* reflect their parents.
But it seems like that answer (unconditional and open-handed love) provides direction to all the other difficult and surprising questions that arrive later.
+ for the first few weeks its really just hold, change, feed, kiss, hug, tell stories. Rinse, Repeat. Hold, change, feed, kiss, hug, tell stories. Etc...
At least that's my version of how it went.
andy,
thanks for your wise voice.
I can't wait for you to love our children too.
I will keep all of these words of wisdom from some of my favorite parents.
-love,
ang
Ang,
Being a parent is one of the most intimidating things I can fathom. I'm more intimidated by the idea than my new life in the foreign land of Morocco. A child watches your every move and responds to your every affection and every discipline...you don't ever go home and let someone else take over. That's why I always say I'm not sure if I could be a parent. But.. the reassuring thing is that everyone starts at the same place: a non-parent. We all learn as you go. The most important thing I can grasp is the idea that love conquers all. If you are determined to love your child, (which I know that you, my sweet Ang, will have every yearning to do).. then God will make apparent to you what you need to know. He's cool like that.
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