Today feels heavy. Even though family and friends showered me with love, singing phone calls, and far too generous presents, yesterday was a rough birthday. The disapointment of not getting the symphony position was just poorly timed. I'm feeling further away from my 'prime' as a classical violinist...my chances of ever playing real music again seem to be slipping away. And mediocrity seems to be threatening to take over my identity.
Logically, I know that they could only accept one, and that I just wasn't that one. But part of me wonders if they laughed to themselves when I left the stage...or were annoyed that I had wasted their time. What kind of gap was there between my playing and what they wanted? My memory of my audition seems to be changing too...getting worse and worse. Did I really just miss a few fingerings on some difficult runs or did I play completely out of tune...pausing arhythmically on the hard parts. Should I be embarrassed? Or did they just hire someone with more experience who was better?
I was kind of grasping at this somehow as a last chance to have my own identity as a real musician...before my life changes drastically. I've always been a believer in 'seasons' of life...that I don't have to do EVERYTHING now....maybe I'll get to play someday. But I'm terribly afraid that I just lost my last chance. The West Shore is not really a huge symphony. If *they* don't want me,....
Then I think about all that I have to be grateful for. For the things that I have been given that many other people desperately desire. I haven't had to face a lot of difficulty, thus far.
But then my worry-filled mind starts considering the frailty of the life inside of me. I really have no control over that either. Is God trying to teach me something through disapointment? How far will this lesson go?
Please, please don't take this incredible baby too. Am I clutching too tightly? Why do I think these things?
* * *
I get to tell Mandy tonight about the baby. I can't wait. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I need to get things into perspective now.
Hm. Maybe pregnancy is affecting my emotions just a little??? :)
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3 comments:
We love you so much and are so proud of you...stupid symphony. They don't know what they are missing. You will always be my favorite violinist!
Okay, so I am starting to feel all alone in the world of Ang's "baby secret" blog - is anyone else out there reading this captivating blog?
I can't improve on what Andrea just said. I also know that there have been some other things going on in your life that were probably distractions from your intense practice.
I understand that you are feeling disappointment right now but you stepped out and tried. Not only that you put it on record ahead of time which you didn't have to do. Don't ever stop trying. I look back at things I didn't try in life for fear of failure and wonder, "if only.." Ang, we love you and are very proud of you, as we are of all of our kids.
p.s. - Yes Andrea, I check it every day!
thanks faithful readers. I know who *really* loves our baby! :)
your constant encouragement is really a blessing. i'm not just saying that. the symphony thing was hard...but your encouragement honestly helps.
i'm practically over it. :)
love you,
ang
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