my little red chair...again

As the Christmas festivities continued at the Rudd house, my parents kept a (supposedly continuous, though not very consistent) slide show running on the wall in the kitchen.

As the slides passed....I caught a few. Here's my favorite.


It was a bit frightening to realize that I have now (rather obsessively) posed Maya over and over again for the same picture my mother took of me twenty-four years ago.

I should know better...

...but I've been trying to help Maya crawl. She is so close.


This morning, as she was wiggling on her belly, trying to reach for a toy up ahead, I helped her straighten her arms..to push herself up higher. She immediately dug her feet into the carpet, straightening her legs too...and did a perfect yoga "down dog"!

Watching her roll around, reaching for things, pulling on anything to sit up...it's frightening. And surreal. All of the stages happen so quickly. Everyone knows it, and yet I am still amazed. I always laugh to myself each time I have THE conversation about Maya when we encounter a friend, an aquaintance, a stranger...
Inevitably, it's always exactly the same:

"Awww....how old is she?"

me: "seven months"

"wow....she is getting so big. It goes so fast, doesn't it?"

me: "yes, it does."

The conversation is so predictable....so cliche, and yet I repeat the same words over and over. Everyone does. Because it's true.

And the wonder of how she is growing up never fades. The way she looks at everything with so much hope...confident that every new detail she sees will somehow delight her and give her more insight as to how the world works. That every new face will adore her and make her laugh.

I worry sometimes, about that one day when she will enter a new relationship or experience expectant, hopeful...and encounter disappointment for the first time.

But it's probably already happened in some ways. And in her seven months of wisdom, she seems far more resilient than I.

She remains....hopeful.

And it's beautiful.

six month maya

as the sixth month races by at frightening speeds...

...a few moments are captured forever.

first bite.

Patient, hopeful, she waits...


..."hmm...it's not milk"...




...and she seems to like it :)

my little red chair

better portraits

On wednesday, while teaching a violin lesson at one of my students' homes (My teaching services are not always so convenient), Maya was downstairs surprising me with a secret photo shoot. Apparently we were also at the studio of "Captured Moments Photography."

Maya and I discovered that we are going to love Wednesdays...violin lessons all day, but with Maya there to 'help.' Hopefully they will all be as fun as this week. The mob that flocked to Maya's stroller wherever she went at school rivaled the paparazzi of Hollywood. She was so sweet and undemanding all day. We'll see how long this easy stage lasts!

Tuesday had been a difficult day for me. It was one of those days that actually felt like a week. I woke up on Wednesday morning certain that it had to be Friday...Thursday at least! I started my first day back at work for the week by crying all the way to school...after I dropped Maya off at her Grandma Corbin's.

Pathetic. I know. She was loved and spoiled all day. I just missed the feel of her in my arms and her little voice that she has been using and exploring so much lately. Her funny expressions. The way she looks at me as no one ever has before.

She's been talking. Incessantly at times. Raising her eyebrows and widening her eyes as if she wants to communicate something of great importance. She contorts her lips...forming her tiny mouth into "W" sounds. And then lowering her brow and smiling sheepishly just before she teases us with her bubbles and "Bpppp" noises. She likes to imitate my tongue when I say "La." Though she's fascinated with the way my tongue works, she can't quite make her tongue and voice cooperate.

We're a bit frightened that she may even be a sleep talker. (Not sure where she would get that??) Just before we went to bed last night, we both froze, puzzled as a loud voice yelled happily (Aaahhhh??). That was all. She never woke up.


And now, after another long day of teaching...the week is done.

Maya is sleeping. That wonderful and beautiful kind of sleep that brings her parents to her crib night after night to just stare in awe.

My hot bath awaits.
Good night.

copyrighted portraits

These pictures are most definitely the property of Sears, so don't try to print and/or sell them. In fact, if you wanted one, you can order your own prints at their website. If you'd like the info, I can email it to you.

This morning started like this...

She had no idea that today would be so difficult.

Maya just got her four month shots. Another heartbreaking milestone. Worse than the first shots.

Her blood stained my shirt.

In just four months...

...Daddy's little girl has changed from this half-asleep newborn...

...into a little diva (always willing to smile for the camera).


She'll be four months old tomorrow.

One year ago today....

...I was up late, getting ready for the first day of school. Finally ready to go to bed, I decided to take a random pregnancy test without telling Ryan. I still don't remember what compelled me to do it. I had no real reason to suspect anything...

...until I saw what looked like a second line?? But it was really faint. It hadn't darkened like the other line. I had never used this brand before. I read the instructions again and again, each time growing more certain that our lives had been changed forever. Yet I still thought it could just be that I didn't understand how to interpret the test. I called for Ryan. I figured he should probably be aware of this possibly life-altering circumstance. We hugged and laughed nervously, excitedly?
Needless to say, we needed more certainty. The second test could not have been more blatantly obvious.

We never could have imagined that in one year, our lives would be so centered around...

...Maya Grace.


p.s. Happy Bithday "Uncle" David.

it actually felt like a real hug...

One thing about newborns... they don't really respond lovingly or appreciatively to all that you do for them.

I've never before experienced love so overwhelming and complete and painful without even a smile in return. No one has ever been so unaware and ungrateful of my love and constant attention. And still, it is one of the most beautiful and rewarding kinds of love there is. Risky and ultimately heart-breaking, I'm sure. But unbelievably fulfilling.

Maya's smiles did come early. We actually saw few rare but genuinely responsive smiles...at about three weeks. Now she is remarkably social...smiling and 'talking', even laughing at just about anyone who pays her a bit of attention.

But today, instead of staring transfixed at the camera and computer moniter during our daily photobooth game, Maya looked at me, grabbed my face, and smothered me with wet 'kisses' and bubbles.

She is really my daughter!?!

my first post

Alright. She finally left the room ...and left me with the computer! I may only have a few minutes here, so I'll try to be brief. My mom was in the middle of posting something about my bathtime. Rather embarrassing picture, but I'll admit, it has been pretty fun lately since I've figured out how to kick and splash.


But really, doesn't she have anything better to blog about?? I'm pretty sure she has her own blog. And this one's mine.

Recently I have grown so tired of reading my parents' ridiculous assumptions about my thoughts and opinions.
So...I took over. There may be a power struggle. In fact, this may be my first and last post for quite some time. But at least you can be assured that this post is actually written by me.

Uh oh. I think my mom just caught me...




...yeah. I think I'd better go.

see how big I am?

soon I'll be typing my own posts!

maya's cute new addiction

...her thumb.

With her genes, we figure she'll need braces no matter what she does or doesn't suck on...so why not let her be a thumbsucker? She's only three and a half months old.

Actually, we do try to replace the thumb with a pacifier. And yes, we know the old proverb..."You can always take away a pacifier, but you can never take away a thumb!"

We'll do what we can to support her in 'kicking the habit'...

...but isn't it cute?

i can't remember

Maya's first months of life have passed in a happy blur. There are a few vivid images, feelings, thoughts that are captured forever in my mind. Moments of awe, of pure delight and surprise that I'll never forget...

...moving onto the hospital bed to actually deliver my baby, shocked at how rapidly this was happening...and minutes later staring at a writhing, slimy person who was looking at me, hearing her voice for the first time...trying to comprehend the importance of this moment.

...waking in the middle of the night in a quiet dark room, lit only by a small, dim spotlight....staring at *my* tiny, beautiful baby sleeping in her glass bassinet.

...peeking into Maya's room one sunday morning as I rushed to get ready for church. She looked up at me, smiling for the first time.

But no matter how deeply I long to hold on to every moment, I can't. Sometimes I'll watch her smile and listen to her sweet, gentle voice cooing and laughing. I'm amazed at her every expression. She raises her eyebrows in surprise and wonder. She looks away, smiling and wrinkling her nose-as if she is too shy to even look at me. And I promise myself that I'll never forget this. But usually, I've lost the memory within days....maybe even hours.

Already, I can't remember what it felt like to hold just seven pounds. I can't remember exactly what it felt like when she kicked and stretched inside of me. I can't quite remember ever not knowing and loving her.



She's three months old now, and she's pretty proud of it.