I have two human hearts inside of my body!

Only a couple of hours ago, we watched, amazed, as our baby's heart rhythmically pumped in front of us on the screen.
Sorry Daniel, we only see one baby :)

Apparently the bottom of that blurry white spot is the head. ??
I would have thought it was the other way around, but I'll trust the professional.

We heard the heart beat too. Loud and fast and strong. It is beyond comprehension to know that there is a person with a beating heart inside of me. The pregnancy feels more real now. Safer. Before the appointment today, I had this silent fear that nothing would show up on the screen. That the technician would think I was crazy..."you're not pregnant. Why are you here?"

The baby is younger than the doctor thought. Only six and a half weeks. (Though she said there is a two-week margin of error)
That means that May 9th is the due date! (Happy Birthday, Mandy!)

Though the confirmation and the reality of actually seeing what has been so hard to really believe was reassuring, now knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a fragile, tiny being inside of me, (less than half of an inch) makes me even more nervous. Seeing the amazingly small, but complex heart made me feel so protective. How can I ever keep something so tiny and fragile safe??

Here's a better picture of a baby in the seventh week, though it's not *our* baby...it's a little easier to see.

I now have the power...

...to post on this blog.

I certainly do not feel as though I have the power to be a good Dad just yet. Suddenly, I feel the need to read about this new venture we are embarking on, start IRAs for college funds, make sure our budget is perfectly in line, make sure every corner in our house is padded, throw away all sharp objects... does this feeling ever end?

I've started with The Expectant Father by Armin A. Brott and plan to move on to The New Father after this. Does anyone have any other suggestions? It seems like everything is written for Moms. Dad - you can't recommend anything in the "Secrets of the Strong-willed Child" series. *I'm hoping to avoid those books.*

Nausea.

I had it today. Isn't morning sickness usually over at eight weeks??
I thought I was actually going to get by without experiencing this particular joy of pregnancy.
Sitting in my office today at school, I tried to eat the bag of unfinished cereal from my breakfast. It didn't happen. My stomach was aching with hunger, but my whole being was telling me that food was disgusting and would *not* make anything better.
Thankfully, my lunch (though unappealling) did not turn against me...and actually left me feeling much more settled.

My mom brought Isaac and Will to school today when she came to pick up Emma. They were very funny...smiling and laughing at the high-pitched voices of the sweet children who approached them. My strings students enjoyed it....however they were a bit distracted by the visit. But I couldn't hold it against them, so was I. It made me want to tell the kids about MY baby too! That will be really fun.

THIS monday, we get to see the ultrasound!!! I'm so excited.

distracting weight of disappointment

Today feels heavy. Even though family and friends showered me with love, singing phone calls, and far too generous presents, yesterday was a rough birthday. The disapointment of not getting the symphony position was just poorly timed. I'm feeling further away from my 'prime' as a classical violinist...my chances of ever playing real music again seem to be slipping away. And mediocrity seems to be threatening to take over my identity.

Logically, I know that they could only accept one, and that I just wasn't that one. But part of me wonders if they laughed to themselves when I left the stage...or were annoyed that I had wasted their time. What kind of gap was there between my playing and what they wanted? My memory of my audition seems to be changing too...getting worse and worse. Did I really just miss a few fingerings on some difficult runs or did I play completely out of tune...pausing arhythmically on the hard parts. Should I be embarrassed? Or did they just hire someone with more experience who was better?

I was kind of grasping at this somehow as a last chance to have my own identity as a real musician...before my life changes drastically. I've always been a believer in 'seasons' of life...that I don't have to do EVERYTHING now....maybe I'll get to play someday. But I'm terribly afraid that I just lost my last chance. The West Shore is not really a huge symphony. If *they* don't want me,....

Then I think about all that I have to be grateful for. For the things that I have been given that many other people desperately desire. I haven't had to face a lot of difficulty, thus far.

But then my worry-filled mind starts considering the frailty of the life inside of me. I really have no control over that either. Is God trying to teach me something through disapointment? How far will this lesson go?

Please, please don't take this incredible baby too. Am I clutching too tightly? Why do I think these things?

* * *

I get to tell Mandy tonight about the baby. I can't wait. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I need to get things into perspective now.

Hm. Maybe pregnancy is affecting my emotions just a little??? :)

when *i'm* a parent...

I've always had strong opinions about the *right* and *wrong* ways to raise a child. It's so easy for me to express just how poorly other parents make decisions.

For example....
I know of many just plain bratty little girls...many of whom are my students. It's not really their own fault. I watch their parents cower in fear, or make excuses for them, or simply look bewildered as they throw a fit because something isn't the way they'd like it to be.

Also, many parents come to me, after about the second or third month of their child's violin lessons. "Katie just doesn't seem to *enjoy* playing the violin like she used to. I'd really like for her to keep going, but I'm not going to force her. This has to be 'her' thing. I think we'll take a break for a while." First of all, Katie is usually only six to ten years old, hardly old enough to understand the value of perserverance. Secondly, she has wanted to play the violin for years. She just didn't realize there would be work involved. And now, she's whining because it's hard. Of course she's whining. Her parents just don't realize how normal this is. Instead of seeing a teachable moment, they are concerned and confused. A challenge? Can a child handle that?? So, the parents decide that Katie should make her own decision to quit something hard. She'll never experience the joy of accomplishing something, of finding the beauty in the mundane, difficult things in life.

Grr. Sometimes I tell them what I think. But sadly, this year I've had to just say "okay" because my schedule is too full to take Katie anyways.

(Of course there are many wonderful parents of students that I've gotten to know and learn from. And by the way, sometimes, if a child is legitimately too young or unready, I think it's fine to step back and take a break from lessons for a while. Also, I've never had a student named Katie.)

Another frustrating parental observation...I've also seen lots of parents just ignore their children. I know they talk A LOT sometimes, but it is beautiful! I love hearing the stories of children. When *I* am a parent, I will listen endlessly...looking into their eyes, so they understand that I think that their words are important.

(confidently) I won't make mistakes like *that* when I have a child.

Marianne and I were just talking about this the other day. Some parents....(eye roll)

But now, *I* am a mother!!! (hard swallow)

I haven't really faced the parenting decisions yet, but I'm already humbled by reality.
There is just so much that is out of my control.

What horrible life-altering decisions will I make for my child? What habits and judgements will I pass down to her?
How can I teach him to think for himself, to love learning, to pursue challenges? Will I sometimes selfishly tune out her beautiful chatter? How will she ever understand how deeply I love her already? And how much God cherishes her? Will he be an apathetic, bored teenager someday?
Will she make good friends who won't hurt her? Will he love music like I do?

Now the waiting seems okay. Maybe I have a lot to learn in nine-months. But I have a feeling that even at delivery, I still won't have all the answers. Will I at least have a few??

waiting.

Unsure of where to go for my ultrasound appointment on monday, i called Dr. Karnes office yesterday afternoon. After explaining my question, the receptionist told me that my appointment had actually not been scheduled. I have a reminder card from them, but it was never entered into the computer...and now monday, the 12th is booked solid.

Ryan insists that I should have been more forceful...demanding that they fit me in. But instead, I scheduled a new appointment for the following monday.

another week!!

it's only been one week!

i've only known for a week. thirty-three more weeks sounds like an eternity!
even just making it to the three-month mark will be so reassuring.

must go back to school tomorrow. it's so hard to pretend that there's nothing huge happening in my life.
this will be a busy week, so hopefully it will help the time to fly- lessons starting, full class load, West Shore Youth Symphony Board meeting, WSSO audition,...

I can't wait to see the ultrasound next monday!

just one more week.

I don't feel good.

the fact that I'm not nauseous (sp?) makes me nervous.

My stomach hurts...but in a different way. That makes me nervous too.

It amazes me how in a few days time, perpective changes.

I've watched people I love experience the pain of longing for children too many times. I think I've felt that more deeply for others than I have for myself. I always assumed that we would have to try for a long time before a baby would actually form. I just never thought that it would be so easy for me.

I don't want to be ungrateful.

A week ago, though, I thought that it would be really wonderful to be pregnant. I knew we'd be happy, but I also didn't feel desperate for that to be now. Waiting until next year would have been okay too.

But now...I can't think of anything worse than to lose this. In some ways it doesn't even seem real, but I know that it is, and I don't want to imagine the loss. It's hard to rest and trust God's love.

I wish the weeks would just pass quickly.

Maybe I will make myself nauseous just by worrying.

Does this get worse as children grow up?