a dangerous combination

two of my most cherished activities lately...

1.) holding Maya

2.) sleeping



This was my favorite part of a wonderful, though exhausting, first Mother's Day. I love to hold her as I fall asleep. But my tendency toward strange sleep behavior keeps me from indulging in this luxury...except in the presence of watching family members (like in this picture).


A few weeks ago, Ryan woke me in the middle of the night..."Ang! Is she okay?" He was worried about the noises Maya was making in her sleep. Having my treasured sleep disrupted, I was rather annoyed. So...as I held out my arms to show him how carefully I was cradling our daughter, I replied in my most condescending (and slightly exasperated) tone, "Ryan, I've GOT her right here!"

However, even as I spoke those words, I knew I was terribly wrong. The precious little bundle I was so carefully holding in my arms...(actually...tightly smothering in my arms)...seemed to be melting...the blankets were covering her face...I was frantic...I couldn't find her face... I couldn't feel her breathing...

It was the very worst possible moment of my life...and yet Ryan was so cruel, so cold and uncaring that he was laughing.
Laughing at my hysteria.

But I laughed too, as dream world (and my fear) began to fade into reality. I looked down, realizing that I was carefully holding my very favorite, affectionately named, "fluffy pillow" (not my sweet daughter).

This nightmare reoccurs almost every night.

the most beautiful profile you've ever seen...

Maya is quite expressive already...at only two weeks. How in the world did we end up with such a dramatic child?








and for the truly devoted....even more maya pictures are here

maya's first 'outing'

Maya arrived just in time (with only four days to spare) to see her Daddy graduate "Summa Cum Laude" (with highest honors) with his Master's degree last Saturday. She was very impressed...

Actually she slept through the whole ceremony...even when a thoughtless member of the audience blew an air horn only a few feet from her tiny, fragile ears. Her dad was pretty mad about it. You should have seen him jump up from his seat among the graduates, and storm up the bleachers to see if his baby was okay (and to share a few kind words with the man who blew the horn).

Since her first outing was so traumatic, we decided that... just to be safe, we'll just keep her at home from now on. No more outings, ever. She may complain when she's a teenager, but someday she'll understand and thank us.

my first thoughts as a mom...

Sometimes, in this past week, I've thought about writing. I've begun to form words in my mind to try to express what I feel. But no words ever seem sufficient.
I've never experienced so many new feelings at once.

There is so much to say, but mostly...
I am in awe of the depth of my new and overwhelming love.
To love someone so fiercely is painful. It is a heavy and exhausting burden.
But I have never felt so complete and full and truly happy.

Here is something much better than words...

maya grace

lots of pictures here

More coming soon...

Welcome to the World...

Today at 8:45AM EST we welcomed Maya Grace into our world. She weighed 7lbs, 4oz and was a perfect twenty inches long.

We will tell you all about it later. Right now I have to get back to the hospital to take care of my girls...

This week, we've begun to try *all* kinds of ways to get Maya to come out. Yesterday, I walked on a treadmill for forty-five minutes. (Which turns out to be much more exhausting and painful with a 6 to 8 pound person lodged in your pelvic bones). I plan to go back tonight.

It is strange to know that any day or hour, I WILL have a medical emergency of sorts. I know I will be going to the hospital sometime. I'm not just being dramatic or a hypochondriac. It is inevitable. And this experience will be one of the most physically painful experiences of humanity. It has to be pretty bad, it's mentioned as part of The Curse!

...and yet, I'm doing everything I possibly can to speed up the process. Though there is a small amount of dread and fear in my mind, mostly...I'm desperately longing for it to happen SOON. I've never looked forward to anything with so much hope and excitement.

This whole process of life...and how a new person is formed and becomes part of our world...has always seemed so normal to me. News of pregnant friends, or adopted children is exciting and wonderful...but never life altering. It happens everyday. Though each neice and nephew that has entered my family has given me a glimpse of how incredible and life-changing new lives truly are, birth has always seemed so natural and...normal.

But it's always been part of some one else's life. Not mine.

"One of the strange things about baby announcements is that they render the arrival of a human as if it were a normal event. Something regular and conventional that we are accustomed-to and prepared-for...
...I love the ways, though, that babies reproduce the social world into which they are born or adopted. They are (in many ways) an embodiement of who-loves-them. All it takes is the focused love of a vast network of people -- into one very small person -- to create a human filled with our potential."
~Maya's Uncle Andy (on the arrival of new baby Madeline)