the end is near...

...but physically, my body seems to be no more ready than it was two weeks ago...according to Dr. Karnes. No more dialating or effacement. But he did say she is very low and engaged. I was disapointed to hear that I'm not dialating any more, but he did say that we could have one more ultrasound. So next Tuesday, May 2nd, whether she comes out or stays in...we'll get to see Maya!
And after that, it can't be *too* much longer until we actually get to hold her. I'm beginning to rest in the fact that she WILL come out. It is inevitable. Though I can't know or control when, she'll be here...very soon.

This week is my last week of teaching. It seems funny that my school year is really almost over. But all the final pieces are just about in place. I finally have all of my programs printed for the final concert and musical, notes and diagrams for sound techs turned in, sets & costume designers deligated and on task, sub plans printed, progress reports turned in,...and my students are just about ready. My school office and "cart" (since I'm a traveling teacher without a real classroom) are organized and ready for a sub.
Our house is almost all organized and clean--even the closets! Room by room, Ryan has built these amazing closet organization shelving systems in all of our closets. We finished the last one this weekend. I'm finally caught up on ironing and laundry. We have groceries. I'm almost caught up on thank-you notes. My bag is packed. Maya's bag is packed.

Life feels manageable, controllable. Maya won't change that at all, right?

On Saturday at Maya's shower, my sister, Marianne 'spoke.' She has the amazing, disciplined mind of a BSN...(she understands and uses math and science in her job!), yet she is one of the most spontaneously creative and artistic people I know. She also happens to be a really gifted communicator/ teacher. She told a story about her family's adventure in a cave...and the necessity of a guide in such a beautiful, complex, dangerous, and dark place.
She made me think about my role as Maya's mother, her guide. That is all I am. She is a gift...not my own. Though I feel a great sense of ownership...that she belongs to me, I know she doesn't. She will need me to guide her and protect her. She will be dependent on me as no one has ever been before. From the moment her life began, I have been her source of nourishment and life. We will live to protect her and take care of her. But there are also places that we will never be able to guide her. She'll have to do things without us. Someday, I may have to watch her hurt, or fail, or cry. And I won't be able to protect her or fix it. What if someone's cruel words hurt her at school? What if she doesn't even tell me about it? How can I trust someone else (her teacher, a coach, another parent) to love her, to teach her, to protect her?
But I am not her only guide...or even her best one. Ultimately, I long for her to realize her need for her Creator, Redeemer. To know that she is loved by Him. That she can only truly belong to him. Not me. I am only a guardian of His precious daughter.

When I stop my racing mind from simply wishing that I'd get this baby OUT of my body, I start to realize how terribly frightening and thrilling that moment will be. In these last days of waiting, I feel like I am standing at the edge of something very mysterious, compelling, and dangerous. That this place...parenthood, will be the most beautiful and painful thing I have ever experienced.

just waiting....

It's hard to balance my awareness that she could actually come any day now...and the fact that she probably won't come until May 9th....or later.
I want to be ready....even if my labor started tonight. I want the house to be clean and organized, the car seat secure, her bag packed, my bag packed, my school responsibilities in order...whenever it's TIME. But while I'm trying to accomplish those things, I'm also trying not to think that way. The days will seem endless if I'm expecting to meet Maya at any moment.

Last Friday, Dr. Karnes said that I am "just about dialated to 1"....50 percent effaced, and that Maya is "pretty well engaged." My next appointment is tomorrow. So we'll find out if anything has changed.



What if it's not Maya? What if it's Ian??

I'd love to meet him too, but I'm afraid I'd feel like I had lost Maya...that I've known her and loved her, and never got to hold her. Though we've been loving and anticipating whomever is inside of me, we would have to work fast to transform the nursery and the baby's wardrobe into something less feminine.

When will the waiting end? What will she look like? Will it really be Maya? Soon all will be revealed.

envy...

May 5th.
That is when my cousin is due to have her baby. It has been fun to be pregnant at the same time...with due dates only four days apart. But she isn't counting down the days anymore.
Yesterday, she got to hold her baby girl, "Everly." She is perfectly healthy and weighs six pounds and two ounces...not bad for being a month early!

I am so jealous.

However, there are several practical reasons to keep me from wishing that Maya would be born today. I try to go over them frequently. It helps me to at least make an attempt toward patience...

1. Being born a whole month early is really slightly too early. It would be so much better for her lungs and digestive system to have at least another few weeks to develop more. Every day (at least until May 9th) that she stays inside the womb is good for her growth and development.

2. Next week is my violin recital. My students have worked hard to be ready. I really want them to be able to perform. Canceling it would be disappointing.

3. Every day that I can teach up until May 9th is good for my students...they are all preparing for big performances (the Elementary Musical and the MS HS Choir Concert on May 11th). Hopefully, the more time I can spend with them, the more confident and independent they will be when it is time to perform. (Also, if I use more 'sick days' than I have left for maternity leave, my paychecks will start drastically shrinking.)

4. Right now, Ryan and I can still leave home spontaneously, go out with friends easily, finish house projects quickly, see movies, stay up late and sleep in on the weekends. On Saturdays, we can lay in bed, snuggling and chatting lazily as our room is flooded with sunlight in the morning. We've heard that these luxuries will significantly change once Maya is born. Our days to enjoy these decadent pleasures are growing few.

5. I have one more shower...at Calvary on April 22nd. It would be nice to have at least up until that time before she comes to have a few more things ready for her.

....So, I'll keep counting the days and longing for her arrival more fiercely than I ever could have anticipated. I'll probably secretly hold on to my desire to have her early. In fact, all her clothes are washed and ready, her crib bedding is clean and waiting for her, I even have a bag of her clothes packed for the hospital. Maybe I'll go pack my bag too....
How do people deal with late pregnancies? Once May 9th hits, I don't think I'll be able to tolerate the waiting any more. My sanity is not that stable.

But at least I'm trying to be patient and think logically... I'll review my list again.

It doesn't really work.

Only four and a half more weeks!!