is it a foot?

Maya is moving around all the time. Sometimes rolling, what feels like her whole body, around in flips. Often in the morning, she gets the hiccups.

Usually though, I can't tell what part of her I feel. It seems like she's kicking around or punching...but it's hard to determine whether I feel feet, hands, elbows, knees...

When I feel something round and hard....is that her head? her bottom? or just the curve of her back?

If only Maya's kicks were this clear...

I guess the shirt isn't really shrinking like I thought...

January 1, 2006

February 18, 2006

entering the end...

The second trimester has come to a close, and now Maya and I are in the final stretch of this incredible life process. Twenty-eight weeks have passed, and she is now only twelve weeks (maybe more....maybe less) away from entering the world on her own. She freely opens and closes her eyes now...she even has eyelashes. I can't wait to see her eyes. To make eye contact with my own daughter. To show her how much she is loved.

I tend to think of her almost as a young child that could identify and express feelings and thoughts if only she weren't stuck inside of me.

She has been moving a lot today. I never want to forget that amazing feeling. Sometimes she is so gentle that I'm not certain that it is really her.

But each time I feel her insistent and unmistakeable movements, I am relieved to know that she is still growing and moving...living.

Our parents create an environment in which we can grow. We call it the home. The home is the most powerful place on earth. It is the cradle of the soul. Our minds and personalities, our loves and our hates, our fears and our dreams are all molded in the home. The home is the workshop of God, where the process of character-making is silently, lovingly, imperceptibly carried on. We search throughout our lives for love and identity, and if we are fortunate, we may find it.

The quest for identity will always lead us back to our families. They are the ones with whom we discover our potential, as well as our limitations. They are the ones through whom and with whom we learn how to live. It is sheer hubris to think that we are "self-made" women and men. We learn how to live from other people and by no one more so than our parents and our siblings...

We have families because we are weak creatures, and God knows that we need them...

-James Bryan Smith, Rich Mullins: His Life and Legacy, An Arrow Pointing to Heaven

...And I realized that this whole parenting thing was bigger than just me and Ang. Maya's growth - spiritually, socially, mentally - will be an extension of what has made us.

Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Our siblings, Our parents, Their parents, Their parents before them...
All have contributed to the legacy that leads up to my daughter's life... and life that may eventually come from, or be given to her.

Day of rest, reflection, ...and a little bit of terror...

Sometimes my mondays are productive days of checking off items from my 'to-do' list. Usually I do a lot of laundry, some grocery shopping, planning for school, cleaning, a morning class at Norton Pines. But so far today, I've had enough energy to sleep in, read, and take a nap.

I'm still in my pajamas. Pretty pathetic. Maybe a shower and some sorting of laundry will get me going....I'll think about attempting that....after I sit here with my computer a little while longer.

The final tri-mester is approaching quickly. Last week, I signed us up for birthing classes. They start the 23rd of this month. It is all coming so fast. This weekend, a family shower was scheduled for Maya in just a little over a month! I'm so excited.

Ryan and I were talking about who could ever watch Maya over night sometime ...he asked if 'Aunt Kelly' could maybe spend the night at our house if we left for a night. "Of course she would be able to...if she wanted (though she'd probably want to just watch her for a couple of hours during the day first)"...I said...recalling all the time I've spent watching baby neices and nephews. All the experience I've had...even twins...learning their schedule, when to feed them, put them down to sleep, change them, etc.... It's different to keep them overnight. Like the time I watched...well, hm... I've never watched a baby overnight!!!!

Yes we are about to have our own child...to keep for at least eighteen years as our gift and responsibility...and we have NEVER even taken care of a baby overnight....ever. What are we doing?? Soon Ryan and I will go to the birthing center together and leave with a child. What will we do with her? We have no idea what we have gotten ourselves into.

At least I'm not feeling so lethargic any more...I better start accomplishing something.